UPDATE 1: I shrunk most of the screenshots, fixed the grammar and added emoticons.
Thanks so much for all the positive feedback guys! I'm going to split this next chapter into two parts, so be patient! Without further ado, I bring you...
Chapter 2, Part 1: Thank You, But Our Princess is on Another Island
When we last left our pulp-and-paper protagonists, Princess Pandora had punished the port of Rogue and procured a powerful treasure map. And all that before there's even a single frame of gameplay!
Let's continue, shall we?
We open with a few trees lovingly moving out of the way so we can see Mario's hou-- wait a minute, where have I seen this before?
Oh yeah...
A flunked-out-of-college Koopa Troopa unabashedly announces the daily mail while the Mario Bros. are having breakfast. I wish my postman did that so I wouldn't have driven all the way to my girlfriend's house before she told me she returned her engagement ring to me by mail. That was a really awkward night.
But it's Saturday morning, and it's the Sabbath, so Mario sends his Catholic brother/
Shabbas goy Luigi to get the mail. Mario instantly steals the rest of his cereal.
"So what? Tell me a-something new for a change."
Sheesh, you can't even
read letters on the Shabbas?
Luigi begins to read Peach's letter for his brother in a slow, easily-comprehensible voice.
Whoops.
Since when have you
deserved a vacation, missy? You think managing to get caught by a fire-breathing dinosaur twenty gazillion times is some sort of lifetime achievement?
More like it was shoved in your face and you took it without question, never suspecting that it MIGHT have been one of Bowser's minions in disguise. Actually, in retrospect Bowser would never be that subtle.
"...I hired some cheap foreign labour. It didn't work out too well though. They kept calling me 'vámona' and I got scared."
Making the tough decision between religion and a good boning, Mario decides to go after the girl.
Uh...I'll save my sex joke for the next screencap.
"Please, 'cause last time you were holding it forever and my mouth was starting to get tired."
"There's no way this could be our hub world for the next thirty hours....right?"
Unfortunately some bastard went and scribbled all over it.
Wait...this looks kinda empty. Where are the X's that mark the spot?
What kind of fucking treasure map is this??? I want my Silent Hill map back!
This will indeed be our hub world for the next thirty hours. Each area is unlocked through story progression and only then appears on the map. This is why it looks so barren at present. The world map has nine distinct areas: Rogueport, Petal Meadows, Boggly Woods, Glitzville, Twilight Town, Keelhaul Key, Poshley Heights, The Moon and the Thousand-Year Door. There are also sub-areas that appear on the map as well - like towns, e.g. Petalburg, as well as dungeons, like Hooktail Castle and The Great Tree.
FANCY PAPER TRANSITION!! Suddenly we're on a boat headed to Rogueport.
I hate it when games go out of their way to announce their titles AFTER the title screen. Don't you?
Yeah, each chapter has its own name, but fuck it I wanna be original. I'll post their screencaps here, though, so you don't get lost if you happen to be playing along. Or, at this point in the game, watching along.
After a wild night of partying on the luxury cruise, Mario passes out from a combination of drinking and seasickness and is woken up by the captain.
It doesn't show up in screenshots, but there's this nice point-of-view-of-Mario's-eyes-blinking shot. Bah, in reality I could probably make something similar tweening two black rectangles in Flash.
Little does Mario know of the scum and villainy that awaits him.
What will happen to Mario as he steps onto the warped wooden planks of Rogueport. Will we see an attempted Goomba gang rape? Will hundreds of sprites appear on screen at once? Will someone get their contact lens stepped on and block off a section of the game world for the first five hours! Fuck yeah! Tune in later tonight (hopefully) for the exciting conclusion:
Chapter 2, Part 2: Finally, Some Fucking Gameplay.
Chapter 2, Part 2: Finally, Some Fucking Gameplay
Hurray, we're (almost) ready to take control of our favourite hungover Brooklyn plumber. However, we kinda need to let the boat dock first or we'd just be walking around underwater.
We arrive at Rogueport!
Lame excuse dude, I saw that title screen, not a fucking cloud in the sky. I want my slow-service refund.
Mario ponders this for minute. Aaah, a quiet, relaxing life away from the constant "save the princess and keep her safe for about 2 minutes" routine. Then he realizes he'll probably die a virgin if that happens. There's always hope I guess :/
"I warned you about Rogueport, but you kept asking me to show you the way to go home."
Mario tells the captain it's for business, not pleasure (yeah right) so Mario is allowed to dock.
At long last, the game gives us the ropes!
Mario wastes no time talking to random strangers who praise his manliness. Yeah, it seems like everyone's head-over-heels over that plumber's belly and tight overalls. And ESPECIALLY his moustache.
Seriously, he has about four female NPCs all hitting on him at some point. And none of them are Peach
Mario controls similarly to any typical top-down RPG character. The analog stick moves him around, the A button is his occasionally-dodgy jump, and B swings his hammer (which, outside of switch-pressing, is pretty useless in the hub world for now). You shouldn't have too much trouble controlling him. Just be warned that, unlike the platformers, his jumping is NOT momentum-based; keep that in mind throughout the many jumping puzzles in the game.
I wish she was
By the way, that sparkly little "S" box on the left is a save block. I suggest you save wherever you can because it can get really annoying having to skip through long text time and again, no matter how well-written it may be. In the load screen, there's also an in-game timer, your level and a counter for how much treasure you've collected (i.e. plot progression). Just thought you'd like to know.
Mario goes about two steps before he spots a gang rape. And of course, he's looking in the completely wrong direction. Stupid sprites
And here I was thinking playing dumb came so naturally to women. They're real method actresses that way.
Meet our primary secondary character, Goombella, on the left, and our primary secondary antagonist, Lord Crump, on the right. We'll learn more about Goombella later on. Lord Crump is one badass villain; he's the leader of the X-Nauts, a group of evildoers who want to collect the treasure the Princess is hunting for. He's incompetent, but in a badass sort of way.
The X-Nauts are weird; they have this salute where they cross their arms in an X over their chests. I know another group of evildoers who did that:
Back on track. Lord Crump will be our main villain for a good chunk of the storyline, but it turns out someone else is pulling the strings behind him (typical). He's kinda like Zant from Twilight Princess, except without the lame temper tantrums.
Enough talk. On with the soon-to-be-foiled rape!
Yay for plot development! Could this be the treasure Peach is seeking?? Deus-ex-machinian coincidence survey says....YES! Crump continues to prod the hapless Goomba for information.
PROTIP: Operation of anti-rape self-defence devices usually requires the woman to have arms. In Goombella's case, her only attack is a headbonk, which would only satisfy Crump's cravings for her touch and just make him want more.
No Quagmire for you. I actually think Goombella's pretty cool.
But don't worry, children, because Goombella has one last trick up her non-existent sleeve.
I'm sorry about the horrible GIMPing. I'm still learning the ropes, please be kind :(
Mario intervenes, and Goombella promptly hides behind him like a little bitch. Most out of character for her, as you'll soon see.
Crump doesn't know what the fuck.
Bring it, bitch.
Mario tries some crazy-ass kung fu to scare off the intruder, but to no avail.
Ladies and gentleman, let's hear it for....THE BATTLE SCREEN!
Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door has what is, in my opinion, one of the most unique and engaging combat systems in gaming. The idea is you don't just fight an enemy; you also have to please an audience. While you don't get an audience for this first fight with Criump, you will eventually gather a following as you start to grind. The better you do in combat, the bigger the audience becomes, but if you hit a bad streak they'll start to leave. There are also hecklers who will throw shit at you, but you can stop them by pressing the X button without losing a turn. Appreciative audience members will give you Star Points, which charge up a secondary Special Attack metre (different from the Flower Points which govern the more powerful regular attacks). Don't worry, you'll figure it out; there's a lot of tutorials that I didn't screencap.
The actual fighting uses the timing-based mechanics of previous Mario RPGs, where each attack is like a little minigame. This also works on defence; you can hit the A button to lower damage taken, but hit the B button perfectly and not only will you avoid damage, it'll rebound onto the enemy. Here, with Mario's hammer attack, you have to hold left on the analog stick until the right moment and then let go for massive damage. There's also a Stylish mechanic to help get more star points, which I'll explain in a later update.
Crump goes down with little resistance. Apparently his only weakness is an opponent's sense of timing.
How will Crump, beaten and bloodied, react to this latest embarassment? Will we actually get to see more wandering around towns aimlessly, and will other plot advances that were promised in the previous part's endings come to pass? Most certainly! Find out in the forthcoming
Chapter 3: The Legend of the Seven Stars (or: Frankly, My Dear, He Does Give a Damn!)
I'll be your guide through a Let's Play of one of my favourite GameCube games, and one of the only RPG's I actually give a shit about. I'll take you through a screenshot/custom video trip from Rogueport to Bobbly Forest to Petalburg, all the way to the heart of the X-Naut Fortress. It is here that the fate of the world will be decided, Bowser will be sidelined in favour of some half-assed "villain", and Mario will be stuck with blue balls. Again.
Before we start, let's watch the prelude:
*skips ahead in the cutscene* Wait a minute, this looks familiar!
I know!
Now THIS is much better.
(sorry for the YouTubing, but I wasn`t able to compress this movie file to a shareable size, so this`ll have to do. Also *spoiler* I`m sorry about the horrible English accent. I also cut some of the later dialogue when I did the voice-over, as it was a bit redundant. *end spoiler*
I used my YouTube profile name because theenglishman wouldn't fit :(. (NOTE: I'll be splitting this LP up into chunks, so Chapters in my LP won't correspond to chapters in the actual game.)
So, without further ado, let's go rescue a princess in the name of the Mushroom Kingdom! 
Chapter 1: Do You Know Where I Can Find Some Sailors?
Welcome to Rogueport, the underbelly of society where all the scoundrels of the Mushroom Kingdom go to die (according to legend, all those extra copies of Super Mario Sunshine are buried in a landfill somewhere around here). It's like a caricature of a Dickensian London back-alley, only with more talking animals and paper-thin characters. Oh wait...
Enter Princess Peach, who has somehow shrugged off her bodyguard to make sure the local Sailor Toads are well-groomed. In certain areas. You know how she is. 
With your track record I'd lock you in the fucking basement if I was in charge.
One of those annoying beggars from Assassin's Creed pleads for some royal alms for the poor.
"No, I meant the other half-wit monarch in a pink dress right beside you."
Turns out it wasn't a beggar. It's...
Looks like that Merchant from Resident Evil 4 has set up shop. Either that or he's still looking for a woman who doesn't find him creepy.
Yeah, that screen was totally ripped from thedarkid's excellent RE4 Let's Play. I suggest you read it, it's a hoot.
Seeing the last screencap, Peach starts to reach into her purse for her pepper spray, but our burly Merchant makes his move.
"It's just a box..."
What, like a legend of -
I knew it! It's the Triforce!
The Merchant acknowledges his checkered past.
All the evils of the world. Suddenly Peach has become Pandora.
"You'll absorb the DNA of any animal you touch. Promise."
.....
Seriously, I have nothing to say to that.
Our damsel OF distress opens the box, and...
...the world was exposed to evil, and mankind suffered forever. 
What has become of the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom? Will Mario arrive in time to save her from the temptations of cartography? And what do a Goomba university student, an Einstein-wannabe professor and an Italian plumber have in common?
Find out in the forthcoming Chapter 2: Thank You, But Our Princess is on Another Island.
That pretty much brings us up to speed. Let's continue!
Star Points act as your XP in this game, and you gain a level for every 100 XP you gain. If you fight enemy types for the first time the XP is pretty generous, but once you start levelling up you'll usually only get 1 or 2 XP per enemy, and once you hit the double-digit levels you'll be lucky to get one XP off of five Goombas. Yeesh.
I found that generally, once you enter an area and fight enemies for the first time there, XP is pretty good, but if you go back there and the enemies respawn, XP is much lower. This was probably meant to discourage grinding in the same place for too long. There is, however, one big exception to this. But we won't get there for many an update, so stay tuned.
Also, the Pit of 100 Trials is NOT a good spot to grind, as each level will only give you 1 XP no matter what enemies you face (Bonetail being the exception).
Crump does not take kindly to this insult.
TOOT TOOT!
I wouldn't be surprised if nobody got this.
Wait....what's that rumbling sound?
Oh...
shit...
Well at least that Mario 128 demo was good for something.
Flawless victory...DISCIPLINE!
"Clusterfuck" doesn't even begin to describe this.
Fortunately the X-Naut batallion seems to have the combined IQ of Forrest Gump, so Mario casually sneaks around them.
This has become far too silly!
"A....a plumber sir? You just said punish 'him'...we couldn't see a 'him', sir. What's a 'him'?"
Crump fails at reconaissance.
I guess Goombella deserves a proper introduction now. She's a student at the University of Goom, as you see in the screencap above, and she's also quite the gossiper. She can help you gather intel on NPCs and fills you in on the backstory of any location in the world map. She can also use her Tattle ability to learn about enemy weaknesses and battle stats. This is very useful, as once you Tattle an enemy type their HP bar will always appear underneath them whenever you encounter them in battle. She also has a headbonk similar to Mario's jump attack, and you can upgrade her headbonk to hit one enemy multiple times.
I like where this is going....
Uh...mouth or dick - you decide. Going in the middle is not an option.
In the Mushroom Kingdom, we ask people's names BEFORE getting it on with them.
Mario respon-- wait a minute, WHAT THE FUCK DID HE JUST DO???
Last time I checked Thousand-Year-Door was one of like two games that haven't been banned in Germany. I guess they chose to overlook this.
Goombella points out the odd coincidence.
"I got it for free in the mail. I only had to make ten weekly payments to keep it!"
Toadsworth hoogly-boogles his old ass over to join our two heroes.
Pussy. That's pretty much it.
Also there's two Piantas beating up a guard in the background. There are all sorts of these little background touches hidden throughout the game that are great for a laugh. For some reason Piantas speak with archetypal Jamaican accents in this game. Better than that bullshit they were spewing in Sunshine anyway :/.
Aren't you supposed to, I dunno, be taking care of her? Some fucking bodyguard you are.
"And some kid from Camp named Billy took my other eye."
SPOILER ALERT: They find her.
Toadsworth promptly ditches any responsibility and decides to hide in an inn like the fucking coward he is. He then explains how the inn system works. Really it's nothing we haven't seen before in an RPG, except that the rates at inns vary from town to town. Sometimes you're just better off paying a minimal fee at a recharge centre outside some of the dungeons.
Somewhere, a kitten just died. I hope you're proud of yourself, Toadsworthless.
Toadsworth hears crickets and high-tails it out of there. Goombella mentions that her professor is studying the treasures as well.
I'm missing the correlation there, but whatever. How does finding the treasure rescue Peach, unless collecting said treasure opens a mysterious door where Peach is being kept? You barely even know who Lord Crump works for! This plan is stupid.
But don't go near him, 'cause he already wasted his insurance breaking both of his artificial hips last year.
Anyway, after that little diatribe Goombella joins your party. I've already covered her basic abilities, and later on she (along with all your party members) can learn new moves from a kindly old wizard on the east side of town.
Mario heads west in search of the professor.
But he's blocked by some old lady crossing the street and yelling at people. Typical.
Meet Zess T. Later in the game she can cook meals for us by combining various ingredients (read: edible items) to create new health and flower powerups. For now though, she's just an old hag who lost her contact lens.
____________
I'm so sorry guys, I was planning to do more but I have to study for my exams. I WILL eventually get around to finishing this episode, but I can't promise when.
