Prologue
NOTE: This prologue is totally unserious and should not be taken seriously at any time of the day, not even at supper during Tuesdays.
Uchuu no Kishi Tekkaman Blade is a game about the severely crippled ninja Alf who broke his legs somewhere around frame 6787 of Batman Begins. Basically Alf broke his left leg so badly that he was deemed never to be able to dash again. Of course this was too much for Alf to take and he started to look for happiness in the bottom of bottles, which only tore him down even more, until he one day dragged himself to watch a game of curling as part of a bet to get more beer, and as he saw how the players were sliding, and he thought to himself, " :o Maybe I can do that!" and he left the incredibly boring match (Are there any other kinds of matches in curling?) and started sliding home on his knee!
However as he was sliding, he suddenly reached the end of a bridge, and fell off, and as he was falling towards the water, Alf used his belt to grapple a nearby pole and swung away, from the dangerous water. Alf was now a ready ninja with alternative ways of moving. It was time to kick ass and chew spaghetti, and this dude is all out of pasta.
- VBA 19
- Aims for fastest time
- Takes damage to save time
- No warps
The fastest way of moving in Uchuu no Kishi Tekkaman Blade is to use a grapple jump over a long distance (Which only works where it's a good distance to the ceiling), the second fastest way is to slide by pressing B before Alf lands after a jump, or pressing B 2 frames before an earlier slide is finished. The third fastest way is to jump, and the slowest way is walking, due to the broken leg.
This run is 29763 frames long, and no, there is no U-version of this game.
After the bosses, I walk away from them and just wait next to the wall without doing too much, and that has a reason. This game lags like Crysis on a PII especially when bosses are dying, so that's the reason.
Level 1
Level 1 is straightforward action where I pick up 2 crystals to "level up" my strength, other than that, not much going on until Alf encounters the horrible Gaurtle, a large, mutated turtle.
Level 2
Level 2 starts in the pine woods somewhere in Canada where Alf has been sent to exterminate a huge ass mosquito, namely Homosquito.
Alf, using his rubber band belt shows Homosquito who's in charge and dismisses of him quickly.
Level 3
Even cool games have a flaw, so does this. A frigging water level. Alf is REALLY slow in water as you will see.
At the end of the Dam(n) level, Alf is charged by Sgt. Boeg, who is in a really bad mood it seems, and attacks Alf with his hard, black stick. Alf however, shows that no really means no, and disposes of Stg. Boeg.
Level 4
A wild flower has gone berserk! Alf is the only one who can stop it, and so he does. The level itself is full of spikes everywhere, and Alf should proceed with caution but... does not. Being tool-assisted helps a lot, I guess.
The flower, Pedalis Whoris is one mean mrf:er. So mean that Alf has to take him on from behind to beat him into submission.
Level 5
The Space Station is a place with moving floors and stupid escalators, so stupid that jumping is faster than sliding to get past them. Here, wild cyborg animals are roaming free, including huuuge hug-monkeys (That's monkeys that hugs). Alf rejects their love and eventually faces the cyborg animal in charge, Batmeister, a former bat who likes to bite.
Not being into stuff like that, Alf beats the life out of the Batmeister and moves on to the Moon!
Level 6
The Moon is controlled by the horrible man Doneky Ick, a man who is so evil that he was excluded from the Village People (He used to be the cop).
Alf makes his way through the level, avoiding sand and random monsters, and encounters Ick, who wants to show Alf what kind of games he likes to play with his staff. Alf however shows that he is the only real man around and defeats Ick before he get to use his staff, and the world is saved once again! ...not that it ever was in danger but at least this makes Alf feel good.
