Welcome to Pia Carrot!! ~We've Been Waiting for You~, or Pia♥Carrot e Youkoso!! ~We've Been Waiting for You~ as it's known in the States, is a dating simulator/visual novel/ITE (Interactive Tiddy Experience) made by Cock(lmao)tail(lmao) Soft(lmao). You are (INSERT INCREDIBLY LIMITED NAME HERE), a young man who is arbitrarily flung into the role of working at the tit(lmao)ular Pia Carrot, which is... I think it's a restaurant. I don't know, I can't read Japanese and I'm not about to ask my girlfriend to translate four whole-ass hours of tiddy-based text.

Mostly because I don't have to ask:

Pia Carrot has gone on to be a whole series of tiddy-based games, including Pia Carrot 2: This Time It's Carroter, Pia Carrot Rising: Revengeance, Pia Carrot Gaiden: The Pork Sword of Chaos, and Doki Doki Panic 2 (as it was called in Japan).

This TAS completes all nine "routes" in the game. It's a dating sim so there aren't really distinct routes, more just getting close to a girl and seeing a bunch of unique scenes with her, then ending with her on the final decision of the game. I have to reset after every route in order to restart, which is great for me as I want no chance in hell of this run ever being considered acceptable.

I've had this run in mind for months, looking for potential PC-FX games to TAS and happening across the one game on Wikipedia's list of PC-FX games listed as being eroge. What I ended up finding was, surprisingly, a game that actually has a mild amount of TASable elements to it. There is time saving luck manipulation in this game. End me. Bury me with my tiddy. Actually I don't think it's possible to bury me WITHOUT my tiddy, now that I think about it.

Well, it's a dating sim, yeah? There are nine of 'em! It's half of the sex number if that's what you think halving a number means! Here's a completely accurate breakdown of each girl in the order I barrel through them in the run.

YUKIKO KAWAI
Birthday: June 20th
Hair Color: Black. You'd think this wouldn't be necessary but this IS anime
Eye Color: And everyone's favorite, D E E P B R O W N
Height: i can't read metric
Blood Type: oh no a bee D:
Likes: Cosplay, reading manga, garbage baseball teams
Occupation: the one who cosplays and your character can't immediately recognize her despite the fact that it is clearly her

SHIHO KANNAZUKI
Birthday: 10 days ago at time of writing
Hair Color: Mine at time of writing
Eye Color: My hair color at time of writing
Height: Slightly shorter than me at time of writing
Blood Type: Different to mine at time of writing
Likes: Writing at a time
Occupation: the older woman who is clearly a dom, like look at her

SAORI IMAI
Birthday: hey one love what up guys it's ya boy mark jokesman
Hair Color: the big chick upstairs told me i gotta do some jokes for like a sex game
Eye Color: i dunno y'all, ya boy's ace
Height: i ain't really feelin' the whole sex game thing, not gonna lie
Blood Type: aight well my space is runnin' low since i didn't get the lil' preamble
Likes: see y'all in the next sub, one love again, maybe it's two love now, whatevs
Occupation: the one who is coldhearted but has a heart of gold and not actually a heart of cold

YUKARI TACHIBANA
Birthday: wait who is she
Hair Color: no seriously who is she
Eye Color: is she the one with the long blue hair
Height: no wait that's saori's stepmom or something
Blood Type: uhhhh is she the one with the black hair
Likes: no damnit that's daisuke, ugh, sorry, i don't know
Occupation: the lowkey hidden route where the key to her heart is through her mom

REIKA KOKUBO
Birthday: Has one! c:
Hair Color: Has hair! c:
Eye Color: Has eyes! c:
Height: Numbers! c:
Blood Type: Has some! c:
Likes: Things! c:
Occupation: the slightly older tease-y "older sister" type

KIYOMI KITAGAWA
Birthday: no
Hair Color: nO
Eye Color: NO
Height: NO NO NO
Blood Type: NO, LITERALLY NO, NOPE
Likes: ABSOLUTELY NOPE, THE MOST NOPE, THE LAND OF TEN THOUSAND NOPES
Occupation: WHAT THE H*CKIN FR*CK DO YOU MEAN SHE'S THE MAIN CHARACTER'S ACTUAL COUSIN

SHOUKO INABA
Birthday: whatever the MC wants
Hair Color: whatever the MC wants
Eye Color: whatever the MC wants
Height: whatever the MC wants
Blood Type: whatever the MC wants
Likes: whatever the MC wants
Occupation: the childhood friend who is deeply deeply deeply madly deeply in love with the MC

SATOMI MORIHARA
Birthday: April 7th
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: Brown
Height: 163cm
Blood Type: AB
Likes: Cooking, Going to the Park
Occupation: Student/Waitress/Canon Ending

RUMI
Birthday: originally i thought this would be the worst route
Hair Color: like in terms of this being your literal sister
Eye Color: like she flashes a tiddy and everything
Height: but like you don't kiss your sis or anything
Blood Type: so i guess it's fine
Likes: BUT WHY DO YOU WANG UP YOUR COUSIN
Occupation: putting me on an FBI watch list

Uh, hi, filtered Samsara here, who has already written a majority of the text. A lot of this game is... The same... Across all 9 endings, so the following jokes start to wear thin after the, um, first route's absurdist nightmare writing as there's really not much to talk about without saying "THE MAIN CHARACTER RESTED AGAIN" three hundred times. I didn't count but that might not even be an exaggeration.

We follow the exploits of a first year total immersion Japanese student living with his exchange family. When asked for his name for the first time, the only thing he could think to do was scream in response. Too ashamed to correct anyone, he now goes by AAAAAAAA instead of his birth name, which even he has forgotten by now. All he knows is AAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAA begins his Thursday, July 25th, presumably 2002 given the time period of the game's release, as he does precisely one other day in this route: Eating breakfast with his exchange dad Yasuo (who often goes by his nickname of Owner because of his incredible skills at LAN parties) and his exchange sister Rumi (who often goes by her nickname of Milk because of her preferred drink at LAN parties). Rumi has deep troubles with her toast, and after neither Yasuo nor AAAAAAAA care about her plight, AAAAAAAA returns to his room to study Japanese for his upcoming trip to Pia Carrot. He decides to go with Milk, and after having a delicious glass of the white cow stuff, he's taken to the restaurant by Rumi, who has abandoned her toast and will try again later.

Inside, he meets Reika, who has several things, including a birthday, hair, eyes, a height that is some numbers, blood, and things that she likes. She's a multi-faceted and single-faced girl. Granted, most girls are single-faced. The two-faced ones tend to date Walruses and cuck them with Donkey Kong. A brief talk happens between our lovable protAAAAAAAAgonist and the Thing-Haver With One Face before AAAAAAAA meets the manager of Pia Carrot, Shiho, who is pretty much just me, except Shiho is straight and is therefore a false idol. Due to his incredibly basic Japanese skills, AAAAAAAA ends up accidentally getting hired at Pia Carrot. AAAAAAAA's given the tour by the false idol (hail Straightan) and finally comes face to face with his exchange dad, who absolutely insists on being called Owner so fine, he is now Owner. God, we get it, you got a 360 headshot in Unreal Tournament at a LAN party. You don't have to rub it in.

Hey, it's a red-haired girl! Her name is Shouko, and she's stolen Pia Carrot's prized possession, the Incredibly Large Penny! Someone stop that woman! Oh, heck, she disappeared. Missing her by only several seconds is Satomi, who goes through a variety of facial expressions at AAAAAAAA's complete inability to speak Japanese before leaving to chase after the penny thief. Owner has found out about the penny larceny, but doesn't care as his best thief-finder is now on the case. He leaves to go own some newbs, which is different than pwning some noobs. Misspellings haven't been invented yet in 2002. By the time night rolls around, Reika Of The Various Have-Things decides that she wants to have another thing, which is more time in this video game. She quickly leaves to obtain more things, so AAAAAAAA returns home. I think he gets a call from Daisuke, who is another character in this video game. Daisuke is a boy so he is not a route, because boy-routes haven't been invented yet in 2002. God, this is only describing the first day of the first route and I'm already resorting to reusing jokes.

AAAAAAAA desperately needs to study Japanese more to be able to keep up with the fast-paced world of "living in Japan", so he wakes and bakes (and by bakes I mean studies). Several hours of studying later, because ADHD hasn't been invented yet, AAAAAAAA remembers that he accidentally got a job and has to work at it now, but it's fine because it can feed his addiction to Pocky and gachapon machines with little collectable figurines of long forgotten Sonic characters. He arrives at Pia Carrot and runs directly into Shiho, and in a panic he spouts out part of his phrasebook. Unfortunately for him, that phrase was "I WOULD LIKE TO WASH DISHES ALL DAY", which begs the question of where he got that phrasebook from and why it had a sexy Mr. Clean on the front of it, and maybe it wasn't a phrasebook at all but an ero manga. Five whole-ass hours of washing dishes later, Satomi returns from her overnight-and-mostly-day stakeout of the penny thief, revealing that she only rarely appears in this route, but also that she was able to return the penny to its rightful place. She makes a few faces and leaves AAAAAAAA to wash dishes for several more whole-ass hours before he goes home and presumably has nightmares about dishes.

The next morning, Shouko calls him to reveal that she has once again stolen the penny, demanding a ransom for it. AAAAAAAA ignores her, mostly because he doesn't know what she's talking about, as he hasn't reached the sections for "Incredibly" and "Penny" yet in his study materials. He has in fact learned "Large" already, but he assumed she was just talking about dishes. Sensing an opportunity to learn, AAAAAAAA goes right back to his study materials and finally learns "Incredibly". Suddenly Shouko's demands make more sense, but not completely! He heads to Pia Carrot and meets up with Plain Clothes Satomi, back on the case. The cat and mouse game continues ever more. Once inside, AAAAAAAA realizes he doesn't know what he's supposed to do today. All he knows is dishes, so he returns to the kitchen, only to be accosted by the big cook lady from May's band of pirates in Guilty Gear. AAAAAAAA gets her autograph, she asks for his AAAAAAAAutogrAAAAAAAAph in return but he doesn't understand her, and he returns to D I S H F O R A L L E T E R N I T Y. At some point, he hallucinates Reika coming in and talking to him, but he's snapped out of it by the big cook lady from May's band of pirates in Guilty Gear. They do not exchange autographs again. Hours later, AAAAAAAA The Dish Boy is finally allowed to return home, where he drifts off into a peaceful slumber after a nice bubble bath, definitely not pretending that he is a dish being washed by himself. No kink shaming, please.

Rumi wakes him up the next morning, and after a mild earthquake, she leaves momentarily. AAAAAAAA decides that earthquakes are exhausting, so he goes back to sleep. Rumi looks up pictures of old dogs on his computer, because she thinks puppies are overrated. Feeling sufficiently jazzed, AAAAAAAA wakes up and heads off to work, running into Shiho. He prays to not have to wash dishes anymore, and his prayers may or may not be answered! Say, who's the cute girl with the terrible taste in baseball teams? Why it's Yukiko, the chosen girl for this route, showing up several paragraphs in! AAAAAAAA, who is a Padres fan because he also has terrible taste in baseball teams, yells at her in English while she has no idea what's going on. Yukiko does not mind. Being an A's fan, she is naturally extremely attracted to AAAAAAAA, and hangs on every word he says. AAAAAAAA angrily walks off and finds that his prayers have not been answered. A L L B E C O M E S D I S H N O W , D E H U M A N I Z E Y O U R S E L F A N D F A C E T O D I S H W A S H I N G. QUICK, THERE GOES SHOUKO WITH THE PENNY. GRAB HER! OH NO, AAAAAAAA'S HANDS ARE TOO SLIPPERY FROM THE DISHWASHING! HE CAN'T GRAB HER! Blast, she got away again! Next time, I swear! AAAAAAAA has now washed every dish in Japan at this point, and his reward for completing this monstrous task is Reika dragging him to a company meeting. Even Shouko has the absolute gall to show up, laughing about her penny theft. Meeting adjourned, and AAAAAAAA decides he wants to yell at Yukiko some more about baseball. They end up actually having a pleasant conversation this time. AAAAAAAA returns home and receives a call from Reika, I think! In her infinite quest to Have Things, she ends up Having a phone call with AAAAAAAA. All is well in the world. The phone call takes precisely 0 minutes, because Reika is secretly a time lord with dimension warping powers, and then AAAAAAAA falls asleep.

In the morning, AAAAAAAA's teacher Kiyomi gives him a call to tell him that she will be incredibly sparse in this route, and that he needs to go to school to run into a green-haired girl, as he must uphold the prophecy given to him by his elders, the Dish Gods. Either that or AAAAAAAA's hallucinating again. Either way, he goes to his school, the one that he definitely goes to all the time in this video game, and upholds the prophecy by running into a green-haired girl. Her name is Saori, also known as Lady Not Appearing In This Game. She takes her literal bag of wisdom and leaves until I end up doing her route later on with a differently-named character. AAAAAAAA then sees Kiyomi, who's so shocked to see him that her hair goes all wacky. He says some vague Japanese phrases at her until she tells him to go away and study more. He doesn't listen. Instead, he goes to the Station to stare at the cool dude with sunglasses that is always there. Reika interrupts him, pulling him into a clothes place (probably named A Clothes Place) because she wants to Have all of the clothes. They're there all day as Reika tries on each individual piece of clothing, claiming she now Has it. AAAAAAAA goes home, wondering if this experience was more tedious than all of the dishwashing. He eventually decides that at least he can play Snake on his Nokia phone while watching Reika, so it is superior to Dish Hell.

The next morning, he calls Yukiko. They have a pleasant conversation. Trash baseball aside, they appear to be getting along quite well, almost as if this is her route or something. She even shows up at Pia Carrot later on in the day, where the pleasant conversation continues briefly before DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES STOP THE PAIN DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES Reika teleports into the room and whisks AAAAAAAA away to her personal pocket dimension, because no I wasn't lying about her time lord/dimension warping powers. I mean I AM lying about them in the grand scheme of things, but I wanted that setup two paragraphs ago to have this particular payoff. Feeling like she's finally Had enough, Reika returns AAAAAAAA to the real world, where DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES ALL IS SUFFERING DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES DISHES After a very normal day of work, AAAAAAAA talks to Yukiko again. She wonders why he talks so much about dishes, but is still incredibly charmed by the amount of A's in his name. AAAAAAAA returns home to sleep.

It is now the last day in July, and the last July of the world of Pia Carrot e Youkoso!!, at least until I start the next route. Not knowing that he will never experience another July before it gets renamed in 2003 and becomes June 2: This Time It's Junier, AAAAAAAA calls up Yukiko for a pleasant conversation. It's just so... PLEASANT. GOSH. After the third most pleasant conversation AAAAAAAA has ever had up to this point (he will never reveal the first two), AAAAAAAA returns to Pia Carrot, catching Shiho just before she's about to change the name of the place from Pia Carrot to DISH IT OUT: AUTHENTIC DISHWASHING EXPERIENCES. Feeling instant remorse, she changes her mind on the rebrand and offers AAAAAAAA a different job. Finally, his prayers are answered! He's told to work in the backroom and do his best Marina from Mischief Makers impression by shaking a box until something happens. Shake shake! Shake shake! Shake shake! Shake shake! Shake shake! After some solid shaking, Reika appears once again to drag AAAAAAAA into her sparkly pocket dimension. It's exactly as exciting as it sounds. AAAAAAAA finishes shaking the box, and it hatches into a beautiful Boxbird (this happens offscreen). He tells Shiho about his accomplishment, and she's so impressed that she allows him to choose his work schedule for the week. AAAAAAAA, sensing that he can have more pleasant conversations if he chooses correctly, chooses to work as a Custodian for two days, then as a Cashier for the next four. Satisfied with his choices, because they aren't dishes nor the act of washing them, he goes home and takes a well-deserved dish-free sleep.

Rumi wakes him up the following morning, and somehow I haven't even come close to losing steam for this fake explanation bit. Daisuke also makes an appearance in this route. The whole crux of Daisuke is that he wants to milk AAAAAAAA's sister. Sorry, I mean he wants AAAAAAAA's sister's milk. Sorry, I mean he wants Milk, who is AAAAAAAA's sister. Sorry, I mean he wants Rumi, who is not related to AAAAAAAA in any way. Daisuke talks to AAAAAAAA about his hot sister for much longer than two boys in a visual novel should be talking without kissing, then leaves to go do cool guy things. Speaking of cool guys, AAAAAAAA heads back to the Station to see that cool cool dude in shades. He only briefly notices the couple behind the cool dude, where the girlfriend is quite flagrantly grabbing her boyfriend's ass. AAAAAAAA runs into Yukiko here. Wait, sorry, we're not supposed to recognize her, but the ensuing pleasant conversation is all too convincing. Suddenly feeling conscious that her massive floor-length dress isn't modest enough, Yukiko presses it against her legs and runs off to put on something less revealing. Confused, AAAAAAAA returns home for about a quarter of a second before remembering he has to go to work. There, he begins the laborious task of watering the ground for several hours straight. You'd think he'd have at least aimed for the plants, right? Well, no one told him to stop. Fulfilled that the ground is about as wet as the dishes he used to wash in the Before Times, he heads home for some well-deserved rest.

It's 8/2, Brutus! AAAAAAAA immediately goes back to sleep, already tired of my awful jokes. Once at Pia Carrot, Owner rears his ugly head and talks about his latest K/D ratio, not understanding that, even though it IS a funny number, 4/20 is really not something to be proud of. Owner may be, in fact, Owned. AAAAAAAA celebrates by watering the ground for several straight hours. He still hopes for a day in which he can spend more than a single day doing something unrelated to water. The rest of the day is uneventful, which is great for me, because I can only think of so many jokes.

8/3 begins with AAAAAAAA accidentally robbing a bank, gaining 50000 yen, or $458.96 at time of writing, or $420.17 at time of game, or Owner's recent K/D ratio plus 17 cents, which is exactly how much ad revenue the resulting video would make on YouTube at time of writing. It's cyclical, this crazy game. AAAAAAAA runs home to provide an alibi, then remembers that work is definitely a thing. He runs directly into Yukiko, taking the kindly presented opportunity for some pleasant conversation before getting to work as a cashier. You'd think that'd be water free, but the only thing that Pia Carrot actually sells there are bottles of water. Samsara (the concept, not me) continues, an endless cycle of mediocrity and, apparently, water. This dihydrogen monotony is broken up by Yukiko in uniform, and pleasant conversation ensues. AAAAAAAA momentarily blacks out, then awakens back at the water stand, serving this same customer for several hours. He hasn't gotten enough pleasant conversation, so he returns to the yuniformed Ukiko for round three. Samsara (me, not the concept) has completely run out of jokes and is no longer funny. Fortunately for you, that has never stopped her (me) before, and will not stop me (her) in the fuutre.

There was some discussion about fashion or uniforms or water or something in one of those pleasant conversations, so AAAAAAAA takes advantage of that the next day by buying a fashion magazine. I don't know why this happens. No, really, I don't. It might be a copy-paste error on the guide I followed to do all of these routes. I mean, what? Oh look, it's Shiho, coming to tell AAAAAAAA that it's Bring Your Daughter To The Tiddy Restaurant Day! He immediately fields a family with their young daughter, her dad doing everything in his power to keep smiling and not look at the waitresses on what is definitely the most uncomfortable day of his life. Speaking of uncomfortable, here's some jackass who likes justice and peace. He introduces himself as Kensuke, making the third character in this game with a -suke name, after Daisuke and the canon name of the protagonist, which is Yusuke. Anywaysuke, he hecksukes off and leavesukes AAAAAAAAsuke to cashiersuke. Shihosuke calls a meeting afterward to address the number of -sukes not only in Piasuke Carrotsuke, but in this paragraphsuke. It's time to stopsuke. AAAAAAAA talks to Yukiko afterward for some kind of happy discourse, then goes home, pledging to see her in the morning and then frick around for the rest of the day.

He does.

8/6 rolls around at the speed of sound, AAAAAAAA's got nowhere to go so he studies while Milk ruminates over something. Sorry, I meant while Rumi milknates over something. Sorry, I meant it's been a few paragraphs since I did this joke so it is once again fresh. A chipper interaction happens before AAAAAAAA finds himself serving the same damn customer for, like, a fourth time now. Dude's a prepper, he's just bulk buying water from his favorite tiddy restaurant to prepare for the end of days at the end of August. More serving of customers followed by a cheerful back-and-forth with Yukiko ends AAAAAAAA's otherwise unremarkable Tuesday.

Startin' off 8/7 right, AAAAAAAA finally learns the word for Penny, and now completely understands why Shouko is the most wanted woman in Japan for her constant, flagrant penny theft. Daisuke's at Pia Carrot today to deliver lines. He also warns AAAAAAAA that the doomsday prepper has returned for another go-around at the store's water supply. AAAAAAAA blows off the tip, which is less sexy than it sounds, but is instantly greeted by the prepper once again. Rumi decides she hasn't been seen enough in this route, so she's also at Pia Carrot today to deliver lines. AAAAAAAA sells water to the Schoolgirl Construction Program, still carrying their toolboxes, fresh off the construction of (INSERT SOMETHING FUNNY AND NOT UNINTENTIONALLY OR INTENTIONALLY RACIST HERE). Little did AAAAAAAA know that SCPs are not allowed in Pia Carrot, which explains why that weird statue looking thing is always forlornly looking in, and also why Shiho had to bat away an entire IKEA with a broom that one time. Speaking of Shiho, she once again gives AAAAAAAA the chance to change his schedule, because apparently "being a terrible boss" hasn't been invented yet in 2002. AAAAAAAA decides to pretty much go with the exact same schedule.

Nothing eventful happens on 8/8.

After the trauma of seeing his sister's tiddy the previous day, AAAAAAAA starts his 8/9 off right, by heading off to the station and running into Absolutely Not Yukiko. She immediately runs away, then comes back just to run away again, and AAAAAAAA just has to stand there and be comfortable with the fact that he didn't get ANY. Unfortunately for this submission text, nothing eventful or funny happens for the rest of the day. Like a Fortnite player who hates Gabe Newell, I'm really starting to lose steam at this point. So's AAAAAAAA, because he falls back asleep immediately on 8/10. Prepper's back. After several hours, AAAAAAAA tells the prepper to frick off so he can have some wonderful talktimes with Yukiko. Prepper waits patiently off to the side, then immediately harasses AAAAAAAA again for another several hours. AAAAAAAA is devAAAAAAAAstAAAAAAAAted by this, and seeks comfort and glorious word-mouthings from Yukiko. They might be dating at this point? Hell if I know, I couldn't get the translation patch to work. Wait, no, I just ruined the bit. Awwwwwwwwwwww heck.

Never forget 8/11, guys. AAAAAAAA is studying whether or not that thing with typing "NYC" in Wingdings is intentional or not while Rumi uses his computer to play porn games. I'm probably not joking about the porn games thing, that's genuinely part of the game and not part of the bit I'm doing for this route. Hey look, it's Shouko! She laughs in AAAAAAAA's face and shows off her solid gold blouse that she bought after pawning off the Incredibly Large Penny. She's never seen again for most of the rest of the day. Rumi steals 2000 yen from AAAAAAAA in the same way that Virgil stole $10 from OOC. Later that night, Owner pulls the non-Shiho staff into a separate room in order to try and turn them all against her. He claims that she dissed Master Chief (his best friend) to his face, and that as Pia Carrot's owner, there is a zero tolerance policy for disrespecting Halo. Meanwhile, AAAAAAAA and Yukiko don't even get chairs and are forced to just squat awkwardly in place. Remember Satomi? Me either.

AAAAAAAA calls Yukiko the next day for some, uh, hang on, (googles "THESAURUS", types in "pleasant") CORDIAL (types in "conversation") GOSSIP, as well as for mutual complaining that squatting for all that time really hurts when you're not used to doing it. Room barges into AAAAAAAA's Rumi to stare at him while he studies, not moving, speaking, blinking, or existing. This was a squat-based hallucination, actually. The entire day was, in fact. AAAAAAAA wakes up on 8/13 and immediately calls Yukiko again, for some amusing tête-à-tête, though it is THIS game, so it's more of a tiddy-AAAAAAAA-tiddy. At Pia Carrot, AAAAAAAA is charmed by ventriloquist act for several hours. He has no idea why the ventriloquist's hand had to be THERE on the young girl dummy, but it really worked out well! They even do an encore at AAAAAAAA's insistence! After work, Yukiko finally makes a facial expression other than "pleasant". AAAAAAAA is thrown so far for a loop that I can't even come up with a funny turn of phrase for it.

8/14 marks the fact that there's only two weeks left in the game! AAAAAAAA panics and causes a small earthquake at the station, summoning Kensuke of the Birdlike Hair from the aether to continuing both being and looking like a jackass. Well, that's a shame. Speaking of shame, AAAAAAAA heads off to work. Shiho shi-happens. The world's most prepared prepper returns for another great cameo appearance. This is the part of the route I like to call "all this stuff has happened a thousand times before and I can't make up anything new and funny about it". Narratives are hard to maintain when none of the friggin' characters show up often enough to warrant maintenance! 8/15 begins with another trip to the thesaurus, so I can come up with the phrase amiable duologue, which is an okay name for a band, and ends with Rumi getting rejected for the first of 8 times in a row. Strap in y'all, you're not gonna see the event attached to this for another few hours of actual real life time. That's not part of the bit. That's real. After a good-humored parley to start 8/16 off right, AAAAAAAA is greeted at work by (scrolls back up to find her exact phrasing) the big cook lady from May's band of pirates in Guilty Gear, who tells him that the ground has been awfully dry lately. Time to correct this injustice! Ground thoroughly watered and the plants all dying in the background, AAAAAAAA returns home to greet the succubus, then heads off to sleep.

Holy heck, there's a change of scenery! AAAAAAAA is dragged by a mysterious force off to Comiket, because Yukiko is a cosplayer and this is part of her route. The Milkubus,

Hi, it's Samsara, after a several hour sequence of self-flagellation for actually thinking of and typing the M word. Anyway, the Milkubus makes another appearance before leaving to tell the security guards to give porn to her brother in a few hours. That's not part of the bit. That's real. Yukiko makes her appearance, cosplaying as Daisuke, and it is the most realistic costume AAAAAAAA has ever seen! Fantastic! AAAAAAAA is mystified by this until he looks slightly off to the left and clearly sees Yukiko in a different costume, looking as forlorn as that weird statue thing that isn't allowed in Pia Carrot. I guess that actually IS Daisuke, then. Shame, really. AAAAAAAA pretends not to see Yukiko in distress and goes off to work. That ground ain't gonna water itself! After setting up the world's most painful slip n' slide, AAAAAAAA returns home for a rest well-earned (but not deserved).

Rumi has finally taken this morning to give that toast another try. Finally, that throwaway line at the very end of the very first paragraph of this route description pays off! She asks for help, but AAAAAAAA realizes that he has a girl's heart to win over, so he returns to Comiket to chase down Yukiko. This is probably a really important scene in the actual canon of the game, so I won't make fun of it. I will make fun of the fact that AAAAAAAA returns to making the ground wet right afterward, though, because that will never not be funny to me. Shiho calls a meeting to address the lack of chairs for AAAAAAAA and Yukiko, which both of them have mixed feelings about for obvious reasons. The two discuss this afterward in what can only be described as me realizing my internet is acting up so the thesaurus doesn't wanna load for me, but I'm sure it was some sort of affable engagement.

The morning of 8/19 is one long, congenial chat that transcends a phone call and flies headlong into the real world. It's broken up by AAAAAAAA realizing he has to go home at some point so he can take a call from Shiho. Could they have talked at Pia Carrot, given that he was there all day? Absolutely not. Shut up. AAAAAAAA and the A's fan talk telepathically in their sleep overnight, then have another phone chat on the morning of 8/20 before AAAAAAAA has to actually go into work and not just spend the entire day there doing nothing but having a jolly powwow. Shiho asks about the green-panted person standing at the water selling station and speaking in tongues, AAAAAAAA lets out a sigh and deals with the prepper for another few hours. Reika decides she needs to Have another on-screen appearance in this route before fricking off to her pocket dimension to let the prepper buy out the rest of Pia Carrot's extremely scarce water supply. Unsure if any further water exists in Japan, AAAAAAAA goes outside and sees Shouko, the thirstiest woman. That's it. That's the joke. The penny thing got really played out already. I've been fresh out of jokes since, like, 8/4 and I still have so much more to write. Hi Rumi, you did a thing, huh?

One week remaining, I think we need some drama or intrigue or tiddy or something. AAAAAAAA doesn't think so, immediately going back to bed. He begins sleepwalking, because I haven't used that joke yet, and runs into the big cook lady from May's band of pirates in Guilty Gear, because I have used that joke already. Speaking of jokes I've used, there's the prepper again! My favorite character! I guess! The final schedule change of the route and only now am I remembering that the original joke was that AAAAAAAA couldn't speak Japanese. It happens.

Hey hey, it's 8/22! It starts off strong with a satisfying repartee, then goes straight to heckity with Big Jackass Kensuke and his earthquake causing powers. I think that's drama and the long ensuing conversation that only happens on this route is definitely intrigue. Perhaps we can get the third thing? Some tiddy, perchance? No. Just some conversations. Plainclothes Satomi makes an appearance. Remember her? Neither do I. Jackass (not the secret best character in NieR: Automata, but Kensuke) was exciting, but perhaps 8/23 will bring something even MORE exciting! It starts with the most exciting of things: A nap! It continues into the next most exciting of things: An engaging talkfest! The excitement continues as AAAAAAAA blindly says yes to something that Shiho asks him! It grinds to a halt as suddenly Yukiko is, uh... Hang on a tick. I gotta check something real quick.

Okay... Jeez, applying this translation patch is rough, maybe I can get it to work now... Hold the dang up, you gotta PAY for the recommended emulator? An emulator that hasn't been updated in over a decade??? Hell no. I already got one that I paid for. What do you mean you don't have to pay for BizHawk? Why have I given so much money to (INSERT FUNNIEST STAFF MEMBER HERE) then? Whatever. Alright! Finally got the patch working, now let's see what's happening here... Okay, okay, yeah, these conversations ARE all pretty pleasant... Ooooh, yeah, that scene at Comiket was definitely important... Kinda cute actually, really cements Yukiko's role. Okay, there's that jackass again... Aaaaaaaaaand, oh. Ohhhhh. Oh. Oh this isn't a good scene. Uh... Um... Um, uh... Haha, um...

Holy fr*ckin' cr*p! Vacation! That's actually a fun thing that is fun! Beach fun! Beach babes! The... The beach! Wow, I liked writing this way more when I didn't understand what was happening! Things happened! I'm writing this from memory (the concept, not the person) now! I think a bunch of people show up and then Yukiko has, like, a really long conversation that I can't make fun of anymore because I've played the route in English and know what's actually being said!

...They have sex on 8/27! They get together on 8/28! Happy days are here again! I am absolutely not playing any other routes until after writing their fake descriptions!

(You click on a YouTube playlist. The first video is titled "BIGG TROUBLE IN LITTLE JAPAN!!! (BIGG DOGG) (WOOF WOOF) (FINALLY MADE IT!) (NOT A PRANK)")

WHAT'S UP GAMERS, IT'S ME THE BIGG DOGG, COMIN' ATCHA FROM THE LAND OF ANIME AND USED PANTIES IN VENDING MACHINES: JAPAN.

Aight Dogg Pound (woof WOOF), it's July 25th over here, so y'know it's probably like... April? Back in the states? I'unno, man. I've been here for like a day and a half or somethin', dunno a damn lick of Japanese but I'm still hopin' I can get a lick of Japanese at the end of this lil' getaway, y'know what I'm sayin'? Sex. I'm sayin' a sex thing. It's a... It's a Sex. Woof WOOF!

So if y'all didn't see my last video, y'know, the one titled "I'M GOING TO JAPAN??? (BIGG DOGG) (WOOF WOOF) (IT'S FOR A S*X) (NOT SSX BUT THAT GAME SLAPS)", y'all probably wonderin' how I got here. Plane. Anyway, like, I broke into this dude's home, right? Just like a single dad and his two kids, some boring lookin' little jerk and his hot sister, so I BIGG DOGGed that jerk out and assumed his corporeal form. Y'all know what I'm sayin', that's the BIGG DOGG way, woof WOOF! They don't suspect a thing yet, they just think the kid's gone wacky psycho and started shouting about big dogs. You think that kid's always been weird like that? I dunno, man, I'm a YouTuber, not a mind reader! Except for that one epic prank video though. Haha. Man that was sick.

Anyway y'all, I gotta go study this, like, moon language thing. Y'all know the schedule, Dogg Pound! Woof WOOF! BIGG DOGG IS DOGGONE!

This video is sponsored by Raid: Shadow Le-

(You go to the next video in the playlist, a video titled "I GOT A JOB AT A MAID CAFE??? (BIGG DOGG) (WOOF WOOF) (IT'S NOT MAIDS) (CLICKBAIT)")

WHAT'S UP GAMERS, IT'S ME THE BIGG DOGG, COMIN' ATCHA FROM THE LAND OF JOJO'S BIZARRE ADVENTURE AND CENSORED PORN: JAPAN.

Aight, so check this (loud bleep noise with an accompanying picture of a cartoon dog saying "CAN'T SAY THAT ON YOUTUBE!") out, Dogg Pound (woof WOOF). Ya dogg's got a jobb! Jay-Oh-Double-B JOBB! Turns out the kid was, like, some kinda... I dunno, dishwasher savant or something and was gonna be offered a job at this Pai-uh Car Rot place. Man, Japan is WEIRD with their names, y'know what I'm sayin'? So yeah! Yeah, like, I'm workin' there now! Place is chock fulla cute girls, but y'know your Bigg Dogg, woof WOOF, I'm aimin' straight for the TOP! They got this blue-haired chick managing the place, right? Y'all, I am like head over PAWS for this chick! NO idea what anyone's saying to me still. Dunno, don't care, kinda FEELS like we're havin' good conversations I guess??? Like I ain't been slapped in the jowls or anythin', I'm considerin' that a W! Ws in the chat! Wait, I'm not streamin'... Haha, bigg goof from your Bigg Dogg! Woof WOOF!

So like they had me washin' dishes for a while, yeah? And I guess I inherited this kid's dishwashing skill because I feel like I washed the entire dang place ten times over! Felt pretty good. So fresh and so clean, clean. Kept gettin' dragged around though, like... I had to go to school??? Ugh, I already had enough school at home, I don't need more! Never going there again! And then after that one of my coworkers dragged me out clothes shopping with her! I don't caaaaaaaare! Gimme that blue-haired chick! I might even try to learn her name!

Aight, I gotta jet, they're gonna ask questions if I stay back in the stockroom talkin' to myself, and y'all KNOW I can't answer questions! I can't even spork my own language! I gotta amscray back out there and do a great jorb! I'll catch y'all in August, right? Right! Y'all know the schedule, Dogg Pound! Woof WOOF! BIGG DOGG IS DOGGONE!

This video is sponsored by NordV-

(You go to the next video in the playlist, a video titled "THEY LET ME WAITER??? (BIGG DOGG) (WOOF WOOF) (HOW AM I GETTING ORDERS RIGHT???)")

WHAT'S UP GAMERS, IT'S ME THE BIGG DOGG, COMIN' ATCHA FROM THE LAND OF MY HERO ACADEMIA AND SLIGHTLY PERVERSE VIDEO GAMES ABOUT LITTLE GIRLS: JAPAN.

Aight, I'm gonna be straight up with the Dogg Pound (woof WOOF) this week: Nothing happened. Y'all know what that means: MONTAGE! Catch y'all next week when I got more to talk about! Y'all know the schedule, Dogg Pound! Woof WOOF! BIGG DOGG IS DOGGONE!

(The video shows boring footage of waitering until the 9:30 mark, leaving enough room for the sponsor as well as reaching 10 minutes for midroll advertising)

This video is sponsored by ExpressV-

(You go to the next video in the playlist, a video titled "SORRY I DIDN'T UPLOAD LAST WEEK (BIGG DOGG)"

Hey gamers, it's the Bigg Dogg. Woof.

I, uh... I think I'm in a bit over my fluffy head here. Haven't had the time to record lately, y'know? Mostly just been... Work. Startin' to think this whole possessing a kid thing isn't working out, or that maybe being a high-energy YouTuber in a situation where literally nothing happens wasn't the best gimmick to go with. I, uh, I mean what? Anyway, so I'm still talkin' to that blue-haired manager chick, right? It's... I dunno, I'm still pantin' like a large hound over her but it's gettin' harder and harder to talk about where I'm goin' with her when I can't understand a word she says still.

So like... I went off wanderin' the streets at night, because a dogg's gotta roam, right? And I catch the chick, and she's talkin' to this dude... And like... I dunno WHAT'S going on, man. Was that like her dad??? Granddad??? Fleentstones!?!?!? I can't tell, man! I can't... I can't tell. I'm bein' thrown for a loop here, y'all, and I can't even come up with a fun turn of phrase for that! I'll uh... I'll catch y'all next week, kay? I got a lot to think about. Maybe I can tap into this kid's headspace and quick-learn Japanese or somethin'... Nah, that'd ruin the bit. I, uh, I mean what?

Anyway, y'all know the schedule... Haha, if I even stick to it... Uh, nevermind. Woof woof, Bigg Dogg's doggone.

This video is sponsored by SurfShark V-

(You go to the final video in the playlist, a video titled "I'M COMING HOME FROM JAPAN??? (BIGG DOGG) (WOOF WOOF) (S*X WAS A LIE)"

WHAT'S UP GAMERS, IT'S ME THE BIGG DOGG, COMIN' ATCHA FROM THE LAND OF LIES AND LIES: JAPAN.

SO I ASKED HER OUT!!! SOMEHOW!!! We didn't do a sex though. Like, we hugged and she shoved my face in her tiddy (clothes on, woof woof womp womp, look I'm workshopping that catchphrase okay?) but that's it. That's like... Getting thrown out at second??? Does that work??? I don't know anything about football, man! Okay, and then get this, right? Couple days later she calls me up and says some stuff so I just, like, assume she wants to see me again, right? So I head over to her place and she pulls out this box, right? And I'm thinkin'... Oh man, it's a box full of sex stuff! We're gonna do a sex! And the only thing in it is one of the Pai-uh Car Rot uniforms! And she just... goes off and changes into it, and then says some more stuff I can't understand, and that's it!

Oh frick, my flight's about to leave and they don't like it when I record in the airport anyway. Bigg Dogg's comin' home, y'all! I gave the kid his body back, he wasn't movin' much when I left but, y'know, that's fine... It's fine. He might be fine??? Whatevs! At least I'M gettin' out of there, woof WOOF! Goin' back to daily videos and NEVER goin' back to Japan! Y'all know the schedule, Dogg Pound! Woof WOOF! BIGG DOGG IS DOGGOING HOME!

This video is sponsored by Raid: Sh-

(You wonder why the hell you watched this playlist, it wasn't even a good bit)

(TRIP REPORT) I Think I'm Attracted To Weed???
Posted: 08/10, 4:20 PM by WeedMaster

Uh, hey guys. It's WeedMaster. You uh... You ever get so high that, like, you start... wanting to like... DATE weed? Like... Like weed... Like weed, like dating it. I uh... Okay, uh, lemme start from the beginning here.

So I got suuuuuuuper high on 7/24, because it's always 4/20 somewhere, right? And like... I stumbled on the weird side of YouTube again, man... Swear I saw, like, a body-possessing dog YouTuber come to my town in Japan and like... Possess me? And like... There was a bunch of people I knew in the videos, and it was like... Dude, I dunno, I can't find 'em anymore but I know I saw 'em... But uh, like... Okay, so, I think they were a prophecy, right? Cause like... This dog dude was talkin' about, like, gettin' a job at this local restaurant, and... Man, like, the next day, my sister wakes me up, and I'm still suuuuuuuuuper high, but she takes me to that restaurant and I get a job there! And it was like... Whaaaaaaaaat? And the same people were there! And like, some of 'em knew me already! And I knew 'em too because of like, watching the videos... I'unno, maybe I've been hallucinating all this too?

Okay, man, enough about that, I'm gettin' distracted, I gotta talk about the dating weed part... Okay, like... I got called to school, and I run into this girl I've never seen before... Like, NEVER seen before... And she's all green, and she's got a bag with WISDOM on it... Like... All green, wisdom? ...That's weed, dude, that is SO WEED. That's the weedest thing I've ever seen! And so I'm like... Like, she leaves and all, and is super pissed off, but I can't stop thinkin' about her, right? Right... So I keep working at the restaurant and, god damnit man, I see her again! And nobody else is payin' any attention to her, like she's got a booth but ain't got food in front of her, waitresses keep passin' her by... And she ain't talkin' to me either... But like, I get this feelin' I'm gonna keep seein' her...

Oh, y'know that girl I've talked about before? The one who's suuuuuuuuper in love with me? Yeah, she works at that place too... She like... Like she pretended to fall in front of me or somethin' and landed, like, so I could see up her skirt, and... I dunno, man, I didn't care... Not with that weed girl around... Even if it's just my head makin' her up I had to keep tryin' to talk to her... It's just like tryin' your first weed. It hits hard and you wanna keep goin' back for more... And yeah, I got more... Like, okay, coupla days after seein' her in the restaurant the first time, I see her again, and I even talked to her this time! I'll call her S for short, but uh, yeah, got her name... And took her back to my place... No no no no no no nothing happened, like... I kinda fell asleep on the floor and she took my bed, and then she left, and then I blazed up (but not in that way, I'm not a sicko freak) and then I went back to bed. Like... a lot of bed. Was all in those dog prophecy videos, right...? Like, it was boooooooring, and I didn't see S for a while until I ran into her again at school... Like, why were we even there over summer vacation? Haha, whatever. I'm gonna go toke up and I'll write the rest later.

RE: (TRIP REPORT) I Think I'm Attracted To Weed???
Posted: 08/10, 4:24 PM by Shroooooom!

have you ever actually smoked a weed in your life

RE: (TRIP REPORT) I Think I'm Attracted To Weed???
Posted: 08/10, 4:26 PM by The Dankmin (ADMIN)

Calm down, Shroomy. This is more of an interesting story than we usually get from him.

RE: (TRIP REPORT) I Think I'm Attracted To Weed???
Posted: 08/10, 4:27 PM by Shroooooom!

no it isnt

RE: (TRIP REPORT) I Think I'm Attracted To Weed???
Posted: 08/10, 4:29 PM by The Dankmin (ADMIN)

...It's better than the NSFW thread.

RE: (TRIP REPORT) I Think I'm Attracted To Weed???
Posted: 08/10, 4:30 PM by Shroooooom!

dude cmon nothings better than that thread it got him banned for like 3 months and i still say NOT SAFE FOR WEED on the daily

RE: (TRIP REPORT) I Think I'm Attracted To Weed???
Posted: 08/12, 10:18 AM by AAAAAAAA

hey sorry for the offtopic post but do you ever think that our lives are just padding for the goddess

and would Padding for the Goddess be a good band name

- AAAAAAAA

(TRIP REPORT) Life, Death, and Weed???
Posted: 08/14, 7:24 PM by WeedMaster

Okay so I think I was hallucinated another woman because, like, she was claiming to be the Weedmother or something? S's mom? Stepmom? I dunno, I was so weeded up that I couldn't tell but they look nothing alike. Like... Blue hair? That ain't weed. I've seen weed and that ain't weed. Really. But like S came back over and my sister let her in? So is she real??? But then why was no one else paying attention to her except me??? And we went to the cemetary and got baked too... Thought about, like, mortality and stuff, y'know? Like... Things were like... Like LIFE, y'know?

Anyway uh I'm gonna go back tomorrow. Wish me luck, guys.

RE: (TRIP REPORT) Life, Death, and Weed???
Posted: 08/17, 10:35 AM by HELLDUMP420

...You guys are not gonna believe this.

what
Posted: 08/17, 11:02 AM by Shroooooom!

what

RE: what
Posted: 08/17, 11:04 AM by HELLDUMP420

That's her. "S".

RE: what
Posted: 08/17, 11:07 AM by Shroooooom!

i dont think you get the gravity of that what

RE: what
Posted: 08/17, 11:16 AM by HELLDUMP420

She said she's been talking to this waiter guy at a restaurant she goes to sometimes. Said he's real nice, let her stay at his place once, talks to her when most people don't even give her the time of day. Not a single mention of weed.

RE: what
Posted: 08/17, 11:18 AM by Shroooooom!

I KNEW THAT GUY NEVER SMOKED A WEED IN HIS LIFE

WAIT HOLD UP DO YOU MEAN EVERYTHING ELSE IS REAL

RE: what
Posted: 08/17, 11:30 AM by HELLDUMP420

Gimme two weeks if he doesn't post sooner.

(TRIP REPORT) I'm Dating Her Now
Posted: 8/29, 11:21 PM by YK

Hey guys, WeedMaster here, I changed my name because I wasn't really mastering weed or anything.

So uh... Yeah, I just wanted to say sorry for being a pest here for so long. I was kind of sheltered growing up. My dad owned that restaurant I was working at and kept telling me I was going to inherit it someday and all that, and raised me strict so I'd be as good of an owner as he was, so like... I kinda just wanted to rebel, but I didn't know how or anything, so I just pretended like I did and shoved off anyone who was correctly telling me that I was faking.

S kinda changed my life, and... I think I have to thank you all for that. I was so committed to the bit of being "WeedMaster" that, as soon as I bumped into her at school, I had to try and make something out of it even if I ended up embarrassing myself, because... Well, it'd still have made for a good story even if no one believed it. I didn't think it'd get this far but I'm really, really glad it did. In fact, the trip I'm reporting on this time is real: It was the trip we took to the beach. She's an amazing swimmer, actually... And she said I helped her rekindle that passion, and I felt really good about that. There isn't actually much to the trip, I just wanted to make the joke... I figured you would all appreciate that.

Uh, weird story, too... And don't worry, I have her permission to post this, but... A couple days ago, she came over and was like... "Look, let's have sex", and even started taking off her clothes, and I was like "Um... What?", and I guess her head was all messed up or something because my hesitance threw her off and made her realize what she was asking, and it made her really happy that I didn't take advantage of that... I don't know why I told you that, it wasn't very interesting, but it made me feel good about myself... Like I don't have to put on this false "WeedMaster" persona for people to like me and for me to make them happy.

I don't know if I'll ever post here again, but I did want to say thanks to everyone for putting up with me.

Rip in peace (bongs, that is).

RE: (TRIP REPORT) I'm Dating Her Now
Posted: 08/30, 7:25 AM by Shroooooom!

did this mofo just have a character arc on a weed forum

RE: (TRIP REPORT) I'm Dating Her Now
Posted: 08/30, 10:18 AM by AAAAAAAA

hey sorry for the offtopic post but do you ever think that the goddess is unoriginal and repeating material

and would The Goddess is Unoriginal be a good band name

- AAAAAAAA

(TAS) RL Get A Girlfriend "SFW" in 25:27.17 by TASukeOWO

OBJECTIVES:

This is my first TAS. Inspired by Bisqwit saying that he never played Mega Man before TASing it, I decided I would also try to do something I've never done before: Get A Girlfriend. I'm really happy with the result! This beats the RTA record by several years, and exploits a new glitch that I'm calling the MotherHeart Strat, which is repeatedly talking to a girl's mom until the girl herself falls in love with you. The fastest mom I could get access to was Kaori, the fulltime dishwasher at Pia Carrot, who has a daughter about my age named Yukari. The tradeoff here, as you can see by the category, is that, well... Her daughter's too innocent for the "NSFW" good ending. I minimized my time spent in the run by minimizing the time I actually spent talking to Yukari, only managing to talk to her a handful of times before the end of the run, manipulating her dialogue to be as short as possible by responding to her in ways that made her happy but also ended the conversation. It really helps that she's shy, a more talkative girl would have cost me a ton of time.

Anyway, I hope you guys like the run! I couldn't upload it to YouTube because YouTube kept taking it down for ToS violations. I don't know what's wrong with it, it's the SFW branch for crying out loud!

Samsara: Judging.

Samsara: We don't accept bad endings. Rejecting.

(JULY 24th)
The experiment worked. We have successfully created a male clone of Reika Kokubo (hereafter referred to as Reika Prime). Unfortunately, the clone will only respond to her name, but that should not be a problem.

(JULY 25th)
Reika Prime has met our clone, and they seem to be hitting it off instantly. This is good. Early, smooth progress.

(JULY 27th)
Reika Prime meets our clone once again. Their magnetism is electric, I have never seen two people hit it off so quickly. Perhaps this experiment will work out, unlike the last one.

(JULY 28th)
Despite being exposed to external stimuli such as "girls who are not Reika Prime", our clone still appears to only be interested in Reika Prime. Good. The two of them have agreed to a date tomorrow morning. I'm excited to see how it will go.

(JULY 29th)
Our clone and Reika Prime have successfully spent the day together, talking all the while. The sheer speed of this experiment is staggering. I am extremely proud of our work.

(JULY 30th)
Once again, they spent the day together, though it was at the restaurant. Limited, but it's clear that nothing is getting in the way. Admittedly, I may be starting to worry about the speed. Previous, longer term experiments tended to falter around this point, though they took much longer to reach this point in the first place. We'll have to keep watching.

(JULY 31st)
i think they porked in the backroom

(AUGUST 1st)
okay they definitely porked after their date

(AUGUST 3rd)
oh god they wont stop porking

(AUGUST 4th)
oh no oh god even agent shoukos panty plan didnt work theyre still porking

(AUGUST 6th)
now we are all sons of bitches

(AUGUST 10th)
Reika Prime seems to be distancing herself from our clone now. Our clone does not seem to understand this concept and continues speaking to her as if things were normal. Things are not normal.

(AUGUST 13th)
Reika Prime has confirmed to be distancing herself. Perhaps we went too far with this. Perhaps, maybe, they porked too much, too fast. We're not running a fricking slaughterhouse here, nothing can handle that much pork. Our clone still does not recognize the concept of being ghosted and keeps attempting to talk to Reika Prime despite it.

Maybe there's a chance this time. Previous experiments were not like this. They would shrivel and die from being ignored. Our clone does not even seem to mind.

Maybe the porking saved this experiment.

(AUGUST 20th)
Our clone continues to try and talk to Reika Prime, who is still trying to distance herself. Our clone is steadfastly refusing that anything is wrong. I... I feel good about this. I question Reika Prime's motives here. Perhaps she thought it was weird to scream her own name while they were porking. I would be weirded out by it too. We'll have to work on that for future clones.

The restaurant they work at is having an upcoming vacation trip. It's possible that something might happen there, but we will have to see when it comes up.

(AUGUST 22nd)
Our clone does not recognize personal boundaries, walking in on Reika Prime as she was... No, I don't have the heart to talk about it. Porking is one thing, self-porking is another. Oh, frick, I talked about it anyway. Nevermind. Cut that.

Oh no, they're gonna leave it in, now.

(AUGUST 23rd)
Reika Prime and our clone have made contact once again. It appears that the air between them has been somewhat cleared. The vacation is tomorrow. I must see what happens. This is already the best chance we have at a successful overall experiment. I MUST see what happens.

(AUGUST 24th)
GOD DAMNIT THEY PORKED AGAIN

(AUGUST 28th)
Our clone met with Reika Prime late at night, they spoke for hours about their relationship. It appears... It appears we have succeeded... We succeeded. I still can't believe it. The drinks are on me tonight. I've never been happier.

It just goes to show that if ever meet your clone... Pork them.

NOPE MOVE ON I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS ONE

Hi guys, Actual Samsara here. I'm gonna break kayfabe again here: I have nothing for this. Absolutely nothing. Like, okay, a little insight into my process here: The joke was gonna be that the protagonist here is a silent JRPG protagonist, never speaking and still getting with the girl in the end because that's basically how this route is written. But how do I even WRITE that? The only things I could come up with were copy-pastes and I already used that joke for Satomi! You're about to read that one!

I guess I could've come up with a fake JRPG plot or a fake GameFAQs style guide, but that's honestly just boring given that there isn't much to talk about in the game after going through 6 routes where a vast majority of the game remains identical. So, I'm sorry. You get me waxing about this instead. Welcome to my Deadjournal. Current Mood: BORED.

Yusuke meets Satomi for the first time at the University of Chicago in the spring of 1977, when they team up to share the driving for a trip to New York. Both plan to start their careers in the city - she as a journalist, he as a political consultant. Presumably they are both successful, because they live in those apartments that only people in the movies can afford, but their professional lives are entirely off-screen. We see them only at those intervals when they see each other.

They meet, for example, several years later, at LaGuardia Airport.

She's with a new boyfriend. They meet again after that, when they're both in relationships, and after that, when her boyfriend has left and his wife wants a divorce. They keep on meeting until they realize that they like one another, and they become friends - even though on their very first cross-country trip, Yusuke warned Satomi that true friendship is impossible between a man and a woman, because the issue of sex always gets in the way.

The movie apparently believes that - and it also suggests that the best way to get rid of sex as an issue is to get married, since married people always seem too tired for sex. That and other theories about sex and relationships are tested as if Yusuke and Satomi were proving grounds for Cosmopolitan, until finally, tired of fighting, they admit that they do love one another after all.

The movie was written by Nora Ephron, and could be a prequel to her novel and screenplay "Heartburn," which starred Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep in the story of a marriage and divorce. But this marriage seems headed for happier times, maybe because most of the big fights are out of the way before love is even declared.

Yusuke is played by Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan is Satomi, and they make a good movie couple because both actors are able to suggest genuine warmth and tenderness. This isn't a romance of passion, although passion is present, but one that becomes possible only because the two people have grown up together, have matured until they can finally see clearly what they really want in a partner.

Ephron's dialogue represents the way people would like to be able to talk. It's witty and epigrammatic, and there are lots of lines to quote when you're telling friends about the movie. The dialogue would defeat many actors, but Crystal and Ryan help it to work; their characters seem smart and quick enough to almost be this witty. It's only occasionally that the humor is paid for at the expense of credibility - as in a hilarious but unconvincing scene where Satomi sits in a crowded restaurant and demonstrates how to fake an orgasm. I laughed, but somehow I didn't think Satomi, or any woman, would really do that.

"When Yusuke Met Satomi..." was directed by Rob Reiner, the onetime Meathead of "All in the Family," whose credits now qualify him as one of Hollywood's very best directors of comedy. Reiner's films include "The Sure Thing," "Stand by Me," "This Is Spinal Tap!" and "The Princess Bride." Each film is completely different from the others, and each one is successful on its own terms.

This film is probably his most conventional, in terms of structure and the way it fulfills our expectations. But what makes it special, apart from the Ephron screenplay, is the chemistry between Crystal and Ryan.

She is an open-faced, bright-eyed blond; he's a gentle, skinny man with a lot of smart one-liners. What they both have (to repeat) is warmth.

Crystal demonstrated that quality in his previous film, the underrated "Memories Of Me," and it's here again this time, in scenes when he visibly softens when he sees that he has hurt her. He is one of the rare actors who can make an apology on the screen, and convince us he means it.

Ryan (from "Innerspace," "The Presidio" and "D.O.A.") has a difficult assignment - she spends most of the movie convincing Yusuke, and herself, that there's nothing between them - and she has to let us see that there is something, after all.

Yusuke and Satomi are aided, and sometimes hindered, in their romance by the efforts of their best friends (Carrie Fisher and Bruno Kirby), who meet on a blind date arranged by Yusuke and Satomi, to provide a possible partner for Satomi and Yusuke. They're the kind of people who don't make it hard for themselves, who realize they like each other, and accept that fact, and act on it.

Yusuke and Satomi are tougher customers. They fight happiness every step of the way, until it finally wears them down.

Roger Ebert Roger Ebert

Roger Ebert was the film critic of the Chicago Sun-Times from 1967 until his death in 2013. In 1975, he won the Pulitzer Prize for distinguished criticism. Now playing Zack Snyder's Justice League Matt Zoller Seitz French Exit Christy Lemire Blithe Spirit Sheila O'Malley Clouds Nell Minow Minari Matt Zoller Seitz Cuties Monica Castillo

note 2 self: oops too much copy-paste, edit that last part out before submitting

For entertainment purposes, I name my character "OHHH NOOO". Since I can set the text to automatically advance instantly, the only wasted time is in the actual process of naming. Most of the game becomes waiting at this point: The only things I need to do for the majority of the TAS are select options and advance the stat screens.

I mentioned earlier that the game has time-saving luck manipulation in it: This happens in every route: Between 8/10 and I believe 8/20, there is a random (yet significantly high) chance that Rumi will barge in at the end of a day and ask if you want to buy hints off of her. While useful for people who are, y'know, actually playing the game normally and not spending hours upon hours TASing it like some kind of dumb idiot who's trying to play up to a self-bestowed title that doesn't actually fit her, these scenes actually waste a good few seconds each, and it could potentially happen somewhere around 90 different times throughout this run, so I save several minutes of time by wasting a few frames in order to not trigger them.

Rumi's route has a little actual gameplay in it, namely a find-the-difference puzzle that rewards you with some ass. Video games are art. It also has one more piece of luck manipulation in it: One thing required for her ending is to plow through a bunch of "dirty games" and "dirty comics". Remember last Spring in Yukiko's route where I made some offhand remark about the Comiket security guards giving you porn? Yeah, that's an actual thing, they give you the "dirty comics" that you're required to read, and you get them by essentially following Rumi around at Comiket and being mistaken for a pervert when you're actually just her actual brother. I did actually play through this route translated just to make sure there was no actual disgusting content involving her, and apart from the classic trope of walking in on her changing and a few seconds of some nipple slipple, there is in fact nothing weird going on behind the scenes as it were. That's in Kiyomi's route. Anyway, one of these "dirty" things actually can trigger two separate things, one of which is longer than the other, so naturally I take the shorter one. Thank God this isn't publishable.

Since the joke here is that this section is completely straight (unlike me, llllllllllllladies), I might as well go on a Gunstar-level vamp about my time with this game, because I kinda regret doing it. Not because I'm a prude, I'm clearly not, I mean I'm literally submitting pornography to Tool-Assisted Speedrun videos dot org for frick's sake, but because in the final days before April Fools' Day I'm starting to have a huge amount of second thoughts about even submitting it. It's the end of March at the time I'm writing this section, the run's been finished since March 11th, I'm about 46000 characters into this submission text with most of the s-posty sections still completely unwritten, and after playing through a few of the routes translated for some joke inspiration, I found that... Honestly, there's some kinda deep stuff in it. Stuff that, now that I know the context, makes it REALLY hard for me to joke around about it, and deeply uncomfortable to look back at my previous jokes where I was blissfully unaware about what was going on. Granted, after writing that, I went back and added about 23000 more characters to the text by finishing things up, and yes, that does in fact bring me up to 69000 (nice-thousand), but it took me specifically NOT playing through any other route translated to be able to pull it off. I was going to play through every route translated and give basic summaries down here, but... I dunno. The translation patch is buggy and kinda poorly written and given that a full route when TASed takes anywhere between 25-30 minutes, it takes too long to really be worth it in the end, and all it would really accomplish is that I'd come back and reread this down the line and just remember "haha i made that joke about the girl who's severely depressed over her rebound, what a riot" as I slowly lower myself into the abyss by a pissing winch.

Anyway, before I come back to this submission text three years later and realize that I'm literally insane and should never have written it, let's talk about the publishability of this run! Because hell no! My "routing" was a GameFAQs guide that is actually wrong in places, so there's no way that it's optimal, not to mention that a pretty significant chunk of time can be saved just through saving and loading due to the game being a dating sim, meaning that if the end goal is just "see every girl's ending" then there's going to be a fair amount of overlap with optimal routing and thus no need to play through the entire game 9 separate times. It's also entirely possible I've missed something mechanical that saves time. I made it about halfway through the first route advancing all text manually before finding out there was a much faster, instantaneous auto-skip (which is the reason this run is "100%" to begin with), so the chance of there being something ELSE is fairly high. Also this isn't even really 100%, since there's naturally an ending for Not Girl, and I'm not about to add that in. I feel like with an actual, proper route for everything and careful save management, over an hour could be saved on an "optimized" run... But is the game itself publishable to warrant that?

...I don't know about that.

The easy answer right now is that no, it isn't, because of our rules against adults-only content, but there's always the possibility of that changing. If that rule does change... I hate to say it, but I suppose there actually isn't anything preventing publication of the game. There is genuinely TAS-only manipulation all throughout the run which saves several minutes just because of how often the skipped scenes happen across the game. It doesn't sound like much, but it's superhuman nonetheless. I hate that I discovered this.

Anyway yeah, to end this section (and this submission text, now that I've broken 70000 characters, which is 80000 more than I should've written), the endpoint of Rumi's route is that you take her our shopping for her birthday, and that's it.

Okay bye.

This started as a joke ._.

44022 - 44179 (157)
91795 - 91988 (193)
(350)

none!

240144 - 240301 (157)
(157)

none!

415110 - 415238 (128)
415278 - 415394 (116)
415431 - 415488 (57)
421033 - 421137 (103)
421171 - 421218 (47)
421280 - 421337 (57)
421369 - 421403 (34)
424098 - 424293 (195)
424327 - 424382 (55)
424414 - 424471 (57)
424503 - 424537 (34)
427755 - 427950 (195)
427984 - 428039 (55)
428070 - 428123 (53)
469252 - 469513 (251)
(1437)

551134 - 551254 (120)
551286 - 551469 (186)
563471 - 563694 (223)
(529 frames of sin)

651204 - 651302 (98)
651383 - 651507 (124)
664549 - 664695 (146)
664728 - 664933 (205)
(573)

770731 - 770934 (203)
770976 - 771054 (78)
771084 - 771139 (55)
(336)

804667 - 804700 (33)
823094 - 823251 (157)
(190)

TOTAL: 3572 FRAMES OF TIDDY

oh thanks for pointing that out, Someone In The Thread, Inevitably,

Phil: Accepting and publishing to Stars

Samsara: goodnight sweet princess

Noxxa: