Introduction

"For the time I had, and given the problem I had to solve, I think I did a pretty good job with it"
- Howard Scott Warshaw, programmer and designer, on E.T.
Now that we've started off with a lie, let's continue with some truths:
  • Aims for fastest time
  • Plays a really shitty game
  • Abuses programming errors (as in, abuses the game)
  • Is awesome
  • TAS of the year
  • Is worth a minute of your time

The Game

E.T. - The Extra-Turdestrial (1982) is known as the most horrible game in video game history, and for all the good reasons. It really is that bad. The programmer and designer Howard Scott Warshaw was only given 5½ weeks to design, program, and debug the game for it to be ready for the Christmas season. During this time, the standard was some 5 or 6 months, so it's easy to see why E.T. might be considered rushed. Anyway the game was released, and soon, all hell broke loose. E.T. didn't sell, and resulted in a net loss of almost $100 million for Atari, and the video game industry was brought to its knees and was nearly destroyed. The collapse of the video game industry was a fact, all thanks to this piece of junk. Landfill was a fitting destiny. We had to TAS it to pay back for all the shit this game has caused for every gamer ever.

Game Mechanics & Objectives:

The main objective of E.T. is to collect 3 parts of E.T.'s phone, then pull off a tricky move known as "phone home", find his way to the Landing Zone, await the mother-turd and then just hope that the RNG doesn't fuck things up. Anyway for being a 5 week project, this game is bad. Very bad. And technical.
The addresses 004A, 004B and 004C determine where the three items spawn. There are 4 holes that might contain items per screen. If the RNG lands on 0 - 3, the items appear in the screen north of the starting position, 4 - 7 east, 8 - 11 south and 12 - 15 west. The holes themselves are numbered from the top left, all the way to the right, then going to the next line. For example, pit number 6 is the middle, right pit in the eastern section. However, the fun stuff doesn't end here. Another thing which is affected by the RNG is where you can call the Mother Spider (005B), and to make shit worse, the actual spot where you have to stand in the final Green Turd-land kind of cooperates with this RNG. Yeah. Really. And up until now, you thought this game was nothing but doo-do. Now you know it's a really, really advanced piece of doo-do. Like if you shat out a Nokia 3110.
There are a total of 16 different set-ups, and the set-ups depend on which frame you press the button (also known as B) on the title screen. Believe it or not, we actually TASed all 16 set-ups! No, not really. We didn't. But we did deep calculations, number crunching and called in a few favors to be able to utilize the Higgs Boson only to find out that the first set-up was the optimal. Boo! Major bummer. What that means is that holding the button during power-on gives you the optimal RNG. That's a fuckaton if I ever heard one.
So with all this in mind, we're ready to play the damn game. E.T. travels on a world map which is designed like a cube. E.T. starts off in the Green Turd Land, and to each of the four directions, we have an area with holes, and there's also an urban area which is located "behind" the start zone (pick up a die and see how it behaves and you'll get the basic idea). Once you've wrapped your head around that tractor, it's time to hit the pits. Every now and then, an arrow will appear on top of the screen. Stretching E.T.'s neck at this point will make him teleport to the screen in the direction the arrow is pointing, which is an awesome way to move around. As mentioned earlier, the objective is to drop into the pits. Once you've landed in said pit, all you can do is pick up any item if you're lucky enough to find one, and then float out of the pit, and this is the point where E.T. collapsed. When you are on the overworld, all that it takes for E.T. to drop into a pit is for a single pixel of his body to touch it. Yeah, even the head is enough. Sounds fair? No. Well it gets worse. When you leave a pit and try to leave it by just floating up, and leaving on the upper part makes you instantly fall back into the pit when leaving. No kidding. It's practically impossible to leave a pit by going up out of it. Awesome. Anyway after fixing the phone, E.T. has to find the Mother Spider-hex and order pizza. As soon as the pizza-counter appears on top of the screen, all that's left to do is race to the landing zone. And wait. And wait. And wait. As you haven't seen in this TAS, Dick Tracy is after E.T.'s phone. Every time he shows up, he steals a part of it! That monster! However, that isn't the greatest issue with him. If Dickard is on screen when the Mother Spider is supposed to pick up E.T., the ship won't appear! Dickard might appear as an evil man, but in all honesty, if you just observe his memory address (002B), you might cut him some slack. It's not his fault he's confused. There's also a scientist-man who brings E.T. to the lab, but then all E.T. has to do is walk out of there. Confusingly enough, we never see him in this TAS.
In the very end of the movie, we just stand still and wait for a long time (Until the pizza timer has reached zero twice). That's actually needed in order to complete the game! After teleporting back to the starting zone, no more buttons are being pressed during this run.
Anyway that's the game. Steal parts for a phone, order pizza, avoid the white men and jump into a pimped-out ride. And we did it in less than 30 seconds.

Authors' comments:

adelikat: Oh god, what have I done
Cardboard: I still haven't recovered. Back during the creation of this TAS some months ago, I came to the realization that I was so deep into the shit that I probably was the one person in the world who knew the most about this game. What's even sadder is that back then, I was taking a class on mathematical statistics, and I've forgotten most of that, but I can recall almost everything regarding this TAS and the technology of the game. It's just not sad. It's fucking pathetic. Little wonder why I never get any. I must add that this game was much tougher to TAS than one might think. And it wasn't even remotely fun.

turska: Judging.

turska: The run isn't the most entertaining, but it does have TAS-like qualities and it's short enough to keep the viewer watching for its sub-minute runtime.
E.T. is very infamous and a TAS of it attracts lots of attention, as demonstrated by this suboptimal TAS, the high vote count for this submission, and numerous comments in the submission thread.
Additionally, we have accepted short TASes of famous bad games such as Baby Moses and The Cheetahmen in the past.
As such, I am accepting this run for publication.

turska: Processing...


TASVideoAgent
They/Them
Moderator
Joined: 8/3/2004
Posts: 15585
Location: 127.0.0.1
Editor
Joined: 3/31/2010
Posts: 1466
Location: Not playing Puyo Tetris
Ok, now do Superman 64. I refuse to vote, let alone acknowledge this run was done, or the game exists. In honor of this non-existence, I present this: Link to video
When TAS does Quake 1, SDA will declare war. The Prince doth arrive he doth please.
Former player
Joined: 6/30/2010
Posts: 1107
Location: Zurich, Switzerland
Now we just need a TAS of Custers Revenge and we can all die happy.
Current project: Gex 3 any% Paused: Gex 64 any% There are no N64 emulators. Just SM64 emulators with hacky support for all the other games.
NitroGenesis
He/Him
Editor, Experienced player (556)
Joined: 12/24/2009
Posts: 1873
What was that? I didn't really find it entertaining, but it was short so I guess it gets a meh.
YoungJ1997lol wrote:
Normally i would say Yes, but thennI thought "its not the same hack" so ill stick with meh.
Noxxa
They/Them
Moderator, Expert player (4125)
Joined: 8/14/2009
Posts: 4090
Location: The Netherlands
I believe it has enough historical significance to warrant publication. Voting yes.
http://www.youtube.com/Noxxa <dwangoAC> This is a TAS (...). Not suitable for all audiences. May cause undesirable side-effects. May contain emulator abuse. Emulator may be abusive. This product contains glitches known to the state of California to cause egg defects. <Masterjun> I'm just a guy arranging bits in a sequence which could potentially amuse other people looking at these bits <adelikat> In Oregon Trail, I sacrificed my own family to save time. In Star trek, I killed helpless comrades in escape pods to save time. Here, I kill my allies to save time. I think I need help.
Joined: 6/4/2009
Posts: 893
Mothrayas wrote:
I believe it has enough historical significance to warrant publication. Voting yes.
same here + its fast
Editor, Experienced player (885)
Joined: 1/23/2008
Posts: 529
Location: Finland
Hey, that was a pretty sweet run. It was just like the movie. Yes vote.
Player (137)
Joined: 9/18/2007
Posts: 389
Yes, for the sake of video game history. A site which deals with thousands of video games must have a video of the worst video game, even more if it is that important. Well, I have seen some opinion that this game is actually average compared to its competitors -- if you have read the manual very carefully. But who wants to read the instructions first? No one, you most likely want to start right away... but this strategy is a miserable failure for this game, it just doesn't work.
NitroGenesis
He/Him
Editor, Experienced player (556)
Joined: 12/24/2009
Posts: 1873
Mothrayas wrote:
I believe it has enough historical significance to warrant publication. Voting yes.
So if this run was "Billy Conquers The Universe" would you still vote yes?
YoungJ1997lol wrote:
Normally i would say Yes, but thennI thought "its not the same hack" so ill stick with meh.
Synahel
She/Her
Former player
Joined: 1/19/2011
Posts: 260
Location: France
Short enough to be published. And not to mention the historical "angular stone" (read: very pointy one) this game is. Finish the game three times in a row and find the hidden indiana jones!
Active player (309)
Joined: 8/21/2012
Posts: 429
Location: France
Arrg, hard choice... I think I'll vote yes so that nobody has to TAS this game again.
Experienced player (520)
Joined: 11/2/2010
Posts: 359
I voted Meh on both this and the Indiana Jones run because neither were entertaining to me. If runs like this were submitted on the NES I would bet the votes would be far more in the No column because it just isn't that entertaining and seems to be getting yes votes for being the first Atari 2600 runs and for it being a "historically significant" game. I think it is cool that we have another system to make TASes for but if these are the best games that the system has to offer I don't know if any deserve to be published under the current site rules of preferring quality over quantity.
PJ
He/Him
Joined: 2/1/2011
Posts: 182
Location: Western NY
Can I vote Cardboard for martyr of the year? He's got it in the bag. Also, I vote yes. I watched the entire thing and don't even know why. It managed to keep me interested for one full minute, which is far more than anyone expected. Plus, it's an awful game.
Active player (428)
Joined: 9/7/2007
Posts: 329
Grincevent wrote:
Arrg, hard choice... I think I'll vote yes so that nobody has to TAS this game again.
Actually, it is sort of the other way around. If a run is published, someone will look for improvements for it. A 'no' vote tends to discourage people from TASing it, depending on the reason. :D
Post subject: Re: #3723: adelikat & Cardboard's A2600 E.T. - The Extra-Terrestrial in 00:25.25
Joined: 9/17/2005
Posts: 47
adelikat & Cardboard wrote:
The collapse of the video game industry was a fact, all thanks to this piece of junk.
Objection! The idea that one terrible game could single-handedly destroy the entire industry is absurd! It was two terrible games. Link to video Anyway, voting Yes for historical significance and schadenfreude.
BigBoct
He/Him
Editor, Former player
Joined: 8/9/2007
Posts: 1692
Location: Tiffin/Republic, OH
Now we need a run that crashes the game (and destroys the ROM in the process) for April Fool's Day.
Previous Name: boct1584
Skilled player (1605)
Joined: 6/11/2006
Posts: 818
Location: Arboga, Sweden
boct1584 wrote:
Now we need a run that crashes the game
That can actually be done.
Warp wrote:
omg lol this is so fake!!!1 the nes cant produce music like this!
Post subject: Re: #3723: adelikat & Cardboard's A2600 E.T. - The Extra-Terrestrial in 00:25.25
Active player (428)
Joined: 9/7/2007
Posts: 329
Kapow wrote:
adelikat & Cardboard wrote:
The collapse of the video game industry was a fact, all thanks to this piece of junk.
Objection! The idea that one terrible game could single-handedly destroy the entire industry is absurd! It was two terrible games.
It was more than that. There were way too many meh games for the Atari, which ended up hurting it. But yeah, the main offenders are the big names that should have had more development time.
Editor, Expert player (2073)
Joined: 6/15/2005
Posts: 3282
adelikat wrote:
... let's continue with some truths: ... ● Is awesome ● TAS of the year ● Is worth a minute of your time
In my opinion, those are lies. Sorry. I don't see why this should be published. Next to nothing happens in this TAS (granted, there are TASes which are even closer to nothing, but that's not saying much). The wait at the end to call home is brutal. I believe there are better games to TAS on the Atari 2600 than this. Also, the amount of self-deprecation in the submission text is ridiculous. It's like trying to convince others that a TAS is good by saying it is terrible in the hopes that one sees it as parody and concludes the opposite.
BigBoct
He/Him
Editor, Former player
Joined: 8/9/2007
Posts: 1692
Location: Tiffin/Republic, OH
Cardboard wrote:
boct1584 wrote:
Now we need a run that crashes the game
That can actually be done.
I know it can. That's why I said it. Would be a fantastic April Fool's submission.
Previous Name: boct1584
Guga
He/Him
Joined: 1/17/2012
Posts: 838
Location: Chile
Thank God for only 25 seconds of this shitty game.
NitroGenesis
He/Him
Editor, Experienced player (556)
Joined: 12/24/2009
Posts: 1873
I am surprised with all the Yes votes because "its historically significant." Who cares? That doesn't change the fact that the TAS is below average at best.
YoungJ1997lol wrote:
Normally i would say Yes, but thennI thought "its not the same hack" so ill stick with meh.
Warepire
He/Him
Editor
Joined: 3/2/2010
Posts: 2178
Location: A little to the left of nowhere (Sweden)
Despite this being very very short, I still almost fell asleep when watching it. I have to vote no for game choice.
Player (13)
Joined: 6/17/2006
Posts: 508
Voting meh. It's quick and well optimized, but this game is very primitive and there's not much going on from the viewer's point of view. By the way, the encoding hides E.T.'s health at the beginning because of the TASVideos message. This should be fixed if this is published.
Experienced player (764)
Joined: 6/17/2008
Posts: 146
The more I watch this run, the more I'm liking it. The notorious game is perhaps the most famous one for the system, and beating it this fast isn't trivial. It's a bit low on the entertainment, but it's enough to be interesting for 25 seconds.
SmashManiac wrote:
By the way, the encoding hides E.T.'s health at the beginning because of the TASVideos message. This should be fixed if this is published.
There's no easy way to fix that - putting subtitles on the map would cover E.T. at times, putting them at the top would cover the symbols there, and translucency would make them somewhat less legible. Out of the available options, obstructing the number at the bottom seems good to me.