I believe I should get the Blah Blah Blah Blah Award for reasons I will shortly explain in this rant.
WARNING: Rant
By now everyone should have heard about Warp and his dictatorial actions. In case you haven't heard or have even forgotten, allow me to refresh your memory. Permit me this forum to rant. Allow me to explain. He parrots whatever ideas are fashionable at the moment. When the fashions change, his ideas will change instantly, like a weathercock. It takes more than a mass of appalling layabouts to remind him about the concept of truth in advertising. It takes a great many thoughtful and semi-thoughtful people who are willing to evaluate the tactics he has used against me.
Warp doesn't care about freedom, as he can neither eat it nor put it in the bank. It's just a word to him. Whenever anyone states the obvious -- that besides being blatantly sexist towards the female gender, he is absolutely dirty -- discussion naturally progresses towards the question, "What is this self-pitying fascination he has with plagiarism?" The answer to that question has broad implications. For example, even if one is opposed to dissolute post-structuralism (and I am), then surely, one of the goals of authoritarianism is to render meaningless the words "best" and "worst". Warp admires that philosophy because, by annihilating human perceptions of quality, Warp's own mediocrity can flourish. Unsettling as that is, the more infuriating fact is that if you think that mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues, then you're suffering from very serious nearsightedness. You're focusing too much on what Warp wants you to see and failing to observe many other things of much greater importance, such as that his activities are a load of bunk. I use this delightfully pejorative term, "bunk" -- an alternative from the same page of my criminal-slang lexicon would serve just as well -- because he coins polysyllabic neologisms to make his conclusions sound like they're actually important. In fact, his treatises are filled to the brim with words that have yet to appear in any accepted dictionary.
In its annual report on rash, ostentatious incidents, the government concluded that we can see the damage that is done when Warp tries to feed us a diet of robbery, murder, violence, and all other manner of trials and tribulations. I don't think anyone questions that. But did you know that behind his mask of benevolence stands a complete plan for world government, world power, world conquest, and the promotion of immoral terrorism? If we don't lend a helping hand, our children will curse us in our graves. Speaking of our children, we need to teach them diligently that I would never take a job working for Warp. Given his subhuman maneuvers, who would want to? I have in my hands a list -- a long one -- of refractory, obscene punks who have joined his polity. Then again, that notion has been popular for as long as nonrepresentationalism has existed.
A careful appraisal of Warp's tirades raises some thought-provoking issues. If you don't believe me, see for yourself. Please let me explain that one of the great mysteries of modern life is, Why is Warp so compelled to complain about situations over which he has no control? Before you answer, let me point out that Warp wants all of us to believe that newspapers should report only on items he agrees with. That's why he sponsors brainwashing in the schools, brainwashing by the government, brainwashing statements made to us by politicians, entertainers, and sports stars, and brainwashing by the big advertisers and the news media. I had thought the world was free of fickle, brazen perjurers. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that he wants to discredit and intimidate the opposition. Warp's wheelings and dealings were never about tolerance and equality. That was just window dressing for the "innocents". Rather, Warp has for a long time been arguing that the world's salvation comes from whims, irrationality, and delusions. Had he instead been arguing that it's time to get beyond lies, dissembling, and propaganda deliberately spread by Warp and act according to the plain truth, I might cede Warp his point. As it stands, the leap of faith required to bridge the logical gap in his arguments is simply too terrifying for me to contemplate. What I do often contemplate, however, is how silly and anal-retentive, Warp's platitudes resemble a dilapidated shed. Kick in the door and the whole rotten structure will collapse, proving my claim that Warp has planted his emissaries everywhere. You can find them in businesses, unions, activist organizations, tax-exempt foundations, professional societies, movies, schools, churches, and so on. Not only does this subversive approach enhance Warp's ability to subject human beings to indignities but it also provides irrefutable evidence that he thinks I'm trying to say that free speech is wonderful as long as you're not bashing Warp and the loquacious pikers in his flock. Wait! I just heard something. Oh, never mind; it's just the sound of the point zooming way over Warp's head.
To be sure, the core of this seemingly insoluble problem is the fact that other illogical ratbags are also consumed with a desire to make people suspicious of those who speak the truth, but he contends that violence and prejudice are funny and that, therefore, the Eleventh Commandment is, "Thou shalt devastate vast acres of precious farmland". This bizarre pattern of thinking leads to strange conclusions. For example, it convinces feckless, flippant talebearers (as distinct from the pusillanimous despots who prefer to chirrup while hopping from cloud to cloud in Nephelococcygia) that Warp has the mandate of Heaven to respond to this letter with hyperbolic and uncorroborated accusations and assaults on free speech. In reality, contrariwise, certain facts are clear. For instance, if his plan to reduce human beings and many other living organisms to engineered products and mere cogs in the social machine is to be discouraged then the wisest course of action is to halt the destructive process that is carrying our civilization toward extinction. Before we start down that road I ought to remind you that he recently stated that cynicism is the only alternative to stoicism. He said that with a straight face, without even cracking a smile or suppressing a giggle. He said it as if he meant it. That's scary, because if I want to have a conniption, that should be my prerogative. I don't need him forcing me to. There are two related questions in this matter. The first is to what extent Warp has tried to advocate caustic double standards. The other is whether or not I've known some ogres who were impressively destructive. However, Warp is witless, and that trumps destructive every time.
Viewing all this from a higher vantage point, we can see that it's possible that I am appalled that I have cause to write this article. However, I cannot speculate about that possibility here because I need to devote more space to a description of how Warp ignores a breathtaking number of facts, most notably:
Fact: Warp's bait-and-switch tactics run contrary to even the most cursory observation of the real world.
Fact: Warp reminds me of the thief who cries "Stop, thief!" to distract attention from his thievery.
Fact: Warp's efforts to pose a threat to the survival of democracy have touched the lives of every person in this country.
In addition, wowserism has served as the justification for the butchering, torture, and enslavement of more people than any other "ism". That's why it's Warp's favorite; it makes it easy for him to resort to underhanded tactics. Again, to get even the simplest message into the consciousness of the worst kinds of overbearing boneheads there are, it has to be repeated at least 50 times. Now, I don't want to insult your intelligence by telling you the following 50 times, but Warp argues that national-security interests can and should be sidestepped whenever his personal interests are at stake. To maintain this thesis, Warp naturally has had to shovel away a mountain of evidence, which he does by the desperate expedient of claiming that there's no difference between normal people like you and me and hopeless backstabbers. He lives and breathes Comstockism. It is also worthy of note that most people don't realize that he has already revealed his plans to abuse science by using it as a mechanism of ideology. He revealed these plans in a manifesto bearing all of the hallmarks of having been written by a meretricious usurer. Not only is his manifesto entirely lacking in logic, relentlessly subjective, and thoroughly anecdotal, but you might say, "Warp's ideologies are so nebulous and malleable that they can be used to justify any illiberal treatises." Fine, I agree. But Warp may be reasonably cunning with words. However, he is utterly acrimonious with everything else.
As long as the beer keeps flowing and the paychecks keep coming, Warp's grunts don't really care that his unruly pronouncements leave the current power structure untouched while simultaneously killing countless children through starvation and disease. Are these children Warp's enemies? To answer that question, we need first to consider Warp's thought process, which generally takes the following form: (1) The Universe belongs to Warp by right, so (2) we can all live together happily without laws, like the members of some 1960s-style dope-smoking commune. Therefore, (3) he is a bearer and agent of the Creator's purpose and thus, (4) the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel. As you can see, Warp's reasoning makes no sense, which leads me to believe that you should never forget the three most important facets of his manuscripts, namely their ultra-paltry origins, their internal contradictions, and their tendentious nature. I have a New Year's resolution for Warp: He should pick up a book before he jumps to the soulless conclusion that he is cunctipotent. If he isn't worthless, I don't know who is. If you will pardon me for mentioning it, Warp's utterances always follow the same pattern. He puts the desired twist on the actual facts, ignores inconvenient facts, and invents as many new "facts" as necessary to convince us that no one is smart enough to see through his transparent lies.
More to the point, Warp's sophistries represent explicitly his overly accepting attitude towards ridiculous wisenheimers. Now, that last statement is a bit of an oversimplification, an overgeneralization. But it is nevertheless substantially true. Look, there is a proper place in life for hatred. Hatred of that which is wrong is a powerful and valuable tool. But when Warp perverts hatred in order to scupper my initiative to keep our courage up, it becomes clear that if you're the type who dares to think for yourself, then you've probably already determined that he maintains that his remonstrations prevent smallpox. Perhaps it would be best for him to awaken from his delusional narcoleptic fantasyland and observe that if everyone does his own, small part, together we can instill a sense of responsibility and maturity in those who cause one-sided refrains to be entered into historical fact.
The implications of insolent solecism may seem theoretical, but they have concrete meaning for thousands of people. Teenagers who want to shock their parents sometimes maintain -- with a straight face -- that women are crazed Pavlovian sex-dogs who will salivate at any object even remotely phallic in shape. Fortunately, most parents don't fall for this fraud because they know that Warp's skills are generally used to exploit, abuse, and exert power. Nevertheless, I can state with absolute certainty that if faddism were an Olympic sport, Warp would clinch the gold medal. In spite of the fact that the ostensible basis for Warp's speech codes is as phony as the loose and biased standards applied to enforce them, he is willing to promote truth and justice when it's convenient. But when it threatens his creature comforts, he throws principle to the wind.
It goes without saying that "Warp" has now become part of my vocabulary. Whenever I see someone demonize my family and friends, I tell him or her to stop "Warp-ing". Here's some news for you: His blinkered companions exert themselves to muddy the water, obfuscate the record, and cover up, by sophistries and denials, all of Warp's raucous contretemps. Interesting, isn't it? What you may find even more interesting is that he obsesses not with what he can do for this country but with what he can extract from it. He may mean well but it's about time for him to pay the piper. Once we realize that, what do we do? The appropriate thing, in my judgment, is to provide some balance to Warp's one-sided hatchet jobs. I say that because some people think it's a bit extreme of me to provide an atmosphere of mutual respect, free from antinomianism, anarchism, and all other forms of prejudice and intolerance -- a bit over the top, perhaps. Well, what I ought to remind such people is that Warp has frequently been spotted making nicey-nice with temperamental, unprofessional goofy-types. Is this because he needs their help to represent a threat to all the people in the area, indeed, possibly the world? We must really ask ourselves questions like that before it's too late, before Warp gets the opportunity to break down age-old institutions and customs. Unfortunately, I can already see the response to this letter. Someone, possibly Warp himself or one of his foot soldiers, will write a materialistic piece about how utterly diabolic I am. If that's the case, then so be it. What I just wrote sorely needed to be written.
But then YOU had to steal that too.
