I'm using the
Logitech M500 Corded Mouse, which seems to fit most of the criteria. (I'm strictly talking about the M500, not the M500s.)
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Fits large hands nicely, should have a nice size to it.
It's not as small as all these really small ones.
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Has some weight to it, none of this lightweight junk that you can barely tell you're moving it.
Yes.
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Has a body, so you can actually wrap your hand around it.
Yes.
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Has a decent wheel, scrolls nice and smoothly and can click.
Yes. The wheel is great. There is a mechanical button which unlocks the wheel allowing for infinite scroll (no need to ever use it, and it doesn't get in the way). When locked the scrolling is precise.
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Wired, USB.
Yes.
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At least two buttons besides the wheel.
Two buttons. Or do the "tilt scroll" buttons (left/right) count as well? In any case, the specification says 7 buttons.
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1000 DPI or higher.
1000 DPI.
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No craziness around the sides, dozens of buttons.
No craziness.
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Primarily for right hand use, but should be able to be used left handed as well.
It's not a symmetrical mouse, so this point is not an easy yes. I just tried using it with my left hand. If you try only putting two fingers on top, your ring finger will accidentally hit the side buttons. Putting the ring finger next to the middle finger on top of the button works fine.
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Price is $50 or less (really shouldn't be more than $15, but junk these days...)
Yes.
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Good quality, will last several years without issues.
Amazon tells me I bought it in January 2017, and I've been using it since then. I've noticed no difference except for all the text on the mouse fading.
(I plan to buy this one again once my current one stops working properly.)
(Also, I absolutely
love how a bunch of one-star reviews on amazon are people not being careful with the package and cutting the cord off. I guess that's a thing to be wary about?)