Joined: 4/17/2010
Posts: 11479
Location: Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg
alec kermit wrote:
I did a quick search and came up with this article, may or may not be our Rachel Bryk (but looks like her). If it is her it sounds like she's had a traumatic past and make have slid back into depression:
http://blog.timesunion.com/payitforward/rachel-bryk-speaks-out/2413/EDIT: Well the ages don't add up, unless the article was posted 2 years after the interview.
2011, while RachelB was still rog (so you should google Roger Bryk in fact).
Also, I seenosimiliarity. The latter one reminds me of Sandra Nasić in good old times btw :)
Warning: When making decisions, I try to collect as much data as possible before actually deciding. I try to abstract away and see the principles behind real world events and people's opinions. I try to generalize them and turn into something clear and reusable. I hate depending on unpredictable and having to make lottery guesses. Any problem can be solved by systems thinking and acting.
I don't know what to say, I just couldn't believe what I was reading when I found this topic. While I didn't know Rachel personally, I enjoyed her TASes and appreciated the work she did for us TASers in the Dolphin community. She always seemed like a very nice and helpful person to me. It makes me very sad to hear that she is no longer with us :(
Goodbye Rachel, you will be missed.
Current project: Gex 3 any%
Paused: Gex 64 any%
There are no N64 emulators. Just SM64 emulators with hacky support for all the other games.
That's what going on ign.com (I also advise to put -ign.com for those who do a google search).
Her glimpse of story has very few delights. Fortunately or unfortunately, I can relate to her, not as much as to the retards from anon. Avoid imgur links while reading. Or better, that account should be locked/deleted.
PhD in TASing 🎓 speedrun enthusiast ❤🚷🔥 white hat hacker ▓ black box tester ░ censorships and rules...
Please stop saying things like this. I know they're not your words, but I'm saying in general that this isn't right.
I'm saying this from the suicidal person's point of view, because I've been in that situation more than once: Even if you talk to someone, that's not a guarantee at all that they'll listen to you. It's not a guarantee that they'll understand you or even attempt to help you. In my experience, I've had people shy away from me, or people try to tell me to "be happy" without even bothering to help otherwise. I've had people refuse to speak to me because they didn't want me to "bring them down". I've even had people tell me to just go ahead and do it.
If you want to prevent suicide, you need to provide a safe environment for the suicidal person. You need to let them know that they can tell you anything, you need to let them know that you care, you need to take the steps to understand what they're going through. It's not their job to tell anyone how they feel, and it's not their fault if they don't. Suicide leaves nothing but a victim, and you never blame the victim for what happens to them. It's our job to give them the chance to talk, to let them know that we'll listen, that we'll stick around and support them.
This is how we should respect her death. Not by digging up her past or commenting on who she is or simply paying our respects, but by keeping in mind that we need to be the one taking the steps to prevent tragedies like this in the future.
If you think someone close to you might be depressed or having suicidal thoughts, build that safety net for them. Don't make them come to you. Go to them.
If they build up the courage to come to you, all you need to do is listen and understand. There's no advice you can give someone who's depressed. They don't want advice. They don't want to be told what to do. They just want to be cared about. They want someone to be there for them no matter what. If they get to a suicidal point, they need a reason to live. You need to be that reason.
...I highly recommend not looking anything up about this if you're at all sensitive about suicidal thoughts and transgender issues. I feel fucking sick to my stomach after seeing the way she was treated in the days leading up to this.
She's the main reason I had the courage to talk about my gender identity on the forums. I only wish I'd had the opportunity to talk to her once... At least she's in a much better place, now, away from all the fucking disgusting people in this world that lead her to this.
...Thank you, Rachel.
// J.
TASvideos Admin and acting Senior Judge 💙 Currently unable to dedicate a lot of time to the site, taking care of family.
Now infrequently posting on BlueskywarmCabin wrote:
You shouldn't need a degree in computer science to get into this hobby.
Awfully saddening how such talented and helpful people can be otherwise so unlucky in life.
Despite her situation, it seems that she made more of a positive difference in 2 or so years than many people do in a full lifetime. We should certainly look to her as an inspiration.
If anyone here is contemplating suicide please reach out to any of your friends for help.
Friends don't care about ones feelings.
You must have some shit friends.
MESHUGGAH wrote:
Nicos wrote:
digging up her past.
That's what going on ign.com (I also advise to put -ign.com for those who do a google search).
Her glimpse of story has very few delights. Fortunately or unfortunately, I can relate to her, not as much as to the retards from anon. Avoid imgur links while reading. Or better, that account should be locked/deleted.
What are you even talking about?
True wrote:
Seems some posters here care more for their sake than hers.
Maybe. Is it wrong to be sad about having lost a great person? I don’t think so.
Saw the news over on the smashbros subreddit. rog was a great buddy back when I used to hit the IRC a lot a few years back. One of the most helpful people in a community of already helpful people.
Hope you're in a better place that makes you happy rog/Rachel. Thanks for the memories.
Seems some posters here care more for their sake than hers.
Maybe. Is it wrong to be sad about having lost a great person? I don’t think so.
Not at all what I was saying, nor the point I was trying to make.
Samsara wrote:
If you want to prevent suicide, you need to provide a safe environment for the suicidal person
If I was "put" in a "safe environment" I would kill myself. It's all situational context and no fucking guidebook, anecdote or whims of the empowered will change that. Yet those are what are used all the damn time in these situations.
Has this shit even been confirmed other than a skype status?
Samsara wrote:
away from all the fucking disgusting people in this world that lead her to this.
Joined: 11/13/2006
Posts: 2822
Location: Northern California
True wrote:
lol.
You fucking disgust me.
TASvideos Admin and acting Senior Judge 💙 Currently unable to dedicate a lot of time to the site, taking care of family.
Now infrequently posting on BlueskywarmCabin wrote:
You shouldn't need a degree in computer science to get into this hobby.
This is how we should respect her death. Not by digging up her past or commenting on who she is or simply paying our respects, but by keeping in mind that we need to be the one taking the steps to prevent tragedies like this in the future.
People try to find out the history of the victim because they want to learn to recognize the symptoms. If we don't look at the victim's past, we will never learn.
Not that most people will be able to help anyway. After all what can you do? Even if you do recognize some symptoms and begin to suspect suicidal tendencies, what exactly are you supposed to do?
Btw, could some mod do something about that 'True' user? He's being an asshole.
She wrote a lot of things on her account. Account still public with... very sensitive personal informations. If you want to read it, you probably find it very easy (as I did too).
PhD in TASing 🎓 speedrun enthusiast ❤🚷🔥 white hat hacker ▓ black box tester ░ censorships and rules...
I think I want to be honest with everyone here. It should be better to speak out than to remain silent. I have uttered this twice now and this will be my third time.
I have been in a similarly bad situation for a while now. I have no real friends, I still live with my parents who don't understand me, I'm on my computer 24/7 and not really being productive. Trash is stacking up to my left and right. I skip work so much because I don't feel alright. I don't have any goals in life. Therapists don't help.
Right now I don't think I'm suicidal - I don't think I would want to stop living. There are things that I care about. I just don't think my situation is going to improve in the future. I might turn 30, and 35, and then I will eventually think why I should keep bothering. I'm living a useless life right now. What am I actually doing all day? Playing Awesomenauts, a shitty MOBA online game because I'm addicted. Masturbating. TASing when I feel like it every 3 weeks. And watching livestreams. Never going out. Why? I think I don't have people to hang out with. I don't have the desire to go out and seek people, or the desire to change something. I don't know how to do it.
I've been living on like this trying to ignore it. Now this RachelB incident reminds me of myself. I may or may not end up like this. I don't know.
I don't feel bad about speaking out about this because I honestly don't care what everyone thinks or how people's views on me change. So I'm a depressed useless bum who does a TAS every now and then, that's what I'm known for I guess.
So what should I do? Not much I can do. I'm in this situation and it's not going to improve, at least not soon. I'm in my 2nd year of a 3 year computer science school education - currently doing internship and going to have to move to another town again in a few months in order to attend the 3rd year. I, honestly, don't, want to move to that place, again. Back in 1st year when I did it it was super stressful, I had diarrhea pretty much all the time and a headache due to a problem with my eyes/head that hasn't been diagnosed yet (I've been to eyes doctor, and have been to a neurologist who said I'm fine), since teachers would use projections in class. I would feel dizzy and drowsy every single day. Which caused me to skip school a lot. Because of how badly motivated I am, for exams I would wake up at as early as 3:50 those days to start studying. I don't want to go through this again. And be judged with numbers. And end up with a shitty body. I'm actually in a state where I only need to go down and up stairs and I feel exhausted.
If anyone says "go outside, go for a walk". I can't bring up the motivation to do it. It's not fun to walk around.
I'm sorry if this causes people to feel bad themselves. But I think this is better than not speaking.
Wow, quite shocking. While I wouldn't call us close friends, I knew her before I even found out she was also in the TAS/dolphin scene. A few years ago on International Ragnarok Online, I joined one of her guilds on an alt. She also ran a couple of cute buff/heal bots in Prontera that I used occasionally.
If you're up for some positive feelings, check out her website (The best internet on the internet) at:
https://wetfish.net/
which hosts one of the best wikis I've ever seen, deserving of its own link:
http://wiki.wetfish.net/
Hours of laughs and WTFs practically guaranteed.
You will be missed, I'll always remember you making me laugh and always being right on the iRO forums.
Currently obsessed with: Mega Man 2 hacks, SFA3, Super Metroid Zero Mission, MM8BDM (Skulltag MegaMan mod, it's amazing!)
Joined: 3/9/2004
Posts: 4588
Location: In his lab studying psychology to find new ways to torture TASers and forumers
MUGG wrote:
I have been in a similarly bad situation for a while now.
It's not good to jump to conclusions.
According to someone who told me they saw her suicide note, she wrote she couldn't deal with living in pain all the time from her terminal chronic disease. If that's true, whatever it was was more than simple depression.
MUGG wrote:
Back in 1st year when I did it it was super stressful, I had diarrhea pretty much all the time and a headache due to a problem with my eyes/head that hasn't been diagnosed yet (I've been to eyes doctor, and have been to a neurologist who said I'm fine), since teachers would use projections in class. I would feel dizzy and drowsy every single day. Which caused me to skip school a lot. Because of how badly motivated I am, for exams I would wake up at as early as 3:50 those days to start studying. I don't want to go through this again. And be judged with numbers. And end up with a shitty body. I'm actually in a state where I only need to go down and up stairs and I feel exhausted.
I don't want to sound insensitive, or offer diagnosis without firsthand knowledge, or claim to know more than professionals you've seen, but what you're describing sounds like a dietary issue. Are you eating healthy? Have you tried shifting your diet to foods with a lower glycemic load? Are you getting enough sleep at night and enough sunlight during the day? Precise issues are hard to track down when you're dealing with a more general destabilization of what the body needs. If you are managing yourself correctly, then I'm sorry for offering this suggestion.
MUGG wrote:
If anyone says "go outside, go for a walk". I can't bring up the motivation to do it. It's not fun to walk around.
Indeed, it's not fun, but a little bit of exercise is important. Just working out for a few minutes a day doing some push-ups and jumping jacks can cause a vast improvement in a person's system.
Warning: Opinions expressed by Nach or others in this post do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or position of Nach himself on the matter(s) being discussed therein.
Joined: 12/8/2012
Posts: 706
Location: Missouri, USA
MUGG wrote:
I think I want to be honest with everyone here. It should be better to speak out than to remain silent. I have uttered this twice now and this will be my third time...
Hey MUGG,
I'm curious about your Computer Science program. Where do you see yourself when you're done with it? What would you like to do with it?
I think that's very cool to pursue something like that (I'm not too tech savvy, admittedly). I could see that, and being bilingual, taking someone far.
"But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." - 1 Corinthians 2:9
Joined: 4/8/2005
Posts: 1573
Location: Gone for a year, just for varietyyyyyyyyy!!
Rest in peace, Rachel.
MUGG wrote:
So I'm a depressed useless bum who does a TAS every now and then, that's what I'm known for I guess.
You certainly are. You are an artist. I just checked and one of your TASes has more than 334,000 views! That figure is already too large to really comprehend with mammal brains. You are an artist. Being depressed is something artists do. As long as you don't cut off your ear like Vincent van Gogh you're doing fine. As time goes by you get to know yourself better and you can learn to make some easy little changes in your life that will make you feel better. From personal experience I can confirm that Nach's advice is good. If you are not satisfied, try doing something differently, no matter how small thing it is. Meanwhile, just be patient and don't worry. There is no pressure. You are totally entitled to enjoying masturbation and livestreams.
I sometimes have periods of mild depression, but I have learned to enjoy it aesthetically.
Joined: 11/13/2006
Posts: 2822
Location: Northern California
POST-WRITING EDIT: I apologize for this post being hard-to-read disjointed rambling.
Warp wrote:
People try to find out the history of the victim because they want to learn to recognize the symptoms. If we don't look at the victim's past, we will never learn.
While I understand your point, I don't think looking into their history is the way to go about learning about it. In my experiences both helping people through their depression and having it myself, I've learned that attempting to figure out their past on your own usually leads to more trouble down the line. It's hard enough for people to talk about their experiences in the first place, the last thing anyone wants to hear after they bare their heart and soul is "Oh yeah, I know". If you try to understand someone's sorrow from an outsider's perspective, you're never going to connect with them. You have to understand it from their perspective.
You can look into their past all you want, but it's rare that you'll actually find anything. I kept my depression hidden for almost half my life, and the only reason anyone in my family found out about it was because I slipped up in the worst way possible and was forced to tell them, and even then there's still a thousand things I'm hiding.
Everyone suffers differently. Something that works for one person might not work for another. This is why I urge everyone to provide a safe and caring environment for people who they suspect are depressed or hiding some sort of trauma. That's not to say treat them as if they're weak and pathetic and in constant need of attention, because they're going to feel guilty. It just means treat them like they're someone that matters to you. You shouldn't be blatant about it.
If you have to look into anything regarding them, look into their symptoms and disorders, not their past. Depression is so horribly misunderstood, even by people trained in psychology and therapy, and learning about it and what it can do to people will help you come up with ways to help those people. The rest of it is all personal.
Not that most people will be able to help anyway. After all what can you do? Even if you do recognize some symptoms and begin to suspect suicidal tendencies, what exactly are you supposed to do?
You listen to them. You try to understand their pain. You stay with them and refuse to leave. You accept them for who they are, regardless of how they feel about themselves. Honestly, it doesn't really matter what you try... The important thing is that you try in the first place. Even if you don't think it's working, keep trying. Giving up only hurts them more than you've ever helped them.
Like I said before, everyone suffers differently, so the following most likely won't apply to anyone else, but something I've always loved to hear from my friends was the question "What can I do to help?" I liked being considered, even if I never had anything to tell them. Even if I did have something for them to do and it never worked, there was always something so nice about them putting me first in this situation, and not offering their advice or telling me what I need to do for myself.
If you compliment them in any way, you have to back it up. You can't just give them a compliment randomly and expect them to take it. If you have reasoning behind that, it'll be easier to get it through to them, because they'll start to realize that these are things you actually think, not just things you're saying to make them feel better.
A few things I can almost safely say will work on everyone, though: Reassuring them that you'll always be there for them and that they'll be okay someday... Telling them that it's okay for them to feel the way they do, and that you won't think any differently of them because of it... And backing that up by not treating them differently because of it. Most importantly, you have to want to help them. You have to feel like their problems will never burden you, and you have to make them feel the same way. Part of loving someone (or something) is accepting every little "flaw" they have while still loving them (or it) just the same, if not more. If you start to feel like these flaws are a burden to you, you might want to sit down, think about everything, trying to figure it all out in your head.
You don't have to be someone's safety net forever. Eventually they'll be able to go out and build it on their own, talking to more and more people and learning to overcome their disorder.
TASvideos Admin and acting Senior Judge 💙 Currently unable to dedicate a lot of time to the site, taking care of family.
Now infrequently posting on BlueskywarmCabin wrote:
You shouldn't need a degree in computer science to get into this hobby.
Although I have never gotten the chance to know Rachel when she was here with us, it is truly saddening that that she had to leave us, but she is now in a better place... May she rest happily and eternally in peace. :'(
As for the few that are going on about their own problems...
I don't mean to come off as a heartless bitch, but this is supposed to be for us to mourn over the loss of a beloved member and contributor of our community. Shifting the focus from that to yourselves seems very rude and disrespectful to Rachel. If you want to discuss or vent about your problems, then please make another thread and do so there.
As for the few that are going on about their own problems...
I don't mean to come off as a heartless bitch, but this is supposed to be for us to mourn over the loss of a beloved member and contributor of our community. Shifting the focus from that to yourselves seems very rude and disrespectful to Rachel. If you want to discuss or vent about your problems, then please make another thread and do so there.
I respectfully disagree. I think it is respectful of RachelB to use her passing as motivation to speak up and ask for help. I think that is a very positive reaction to such a huge loss.
Joined: 4/17/2010
Posts: 11479
Location: Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg
Is it known what is the real reason for depression? Maybe it's not something concrete, but all the factors together? Events of the past?
I think environment one is in can not be independent from how he takes things. Yes, the main problem is that things keep happening the way you just get new and new sores from where you have and haven't expected. But isn't it a challenge of survival? We can look at wild animals that struggle for living, if an animal does not hunt, it dies, if an animal does not run fast enough from a predator, it dies, if it doesn't care for posterity, spending huge efforts on them, they die.
And it's important to understand, that it's not "that cruel nature" that breaks the hearts, it's hearts that either get broken and still survive, or perish. Nature leaves free space to overcome what destroys you, but it's so dead hard that you are constantly balancing between having no will or strength to keep going and having no way to drop it all that wouldn't destroy everything that's still left in your heart.
What's the reason then? Whoever succeeded to overcome knows. But it does matter to not just make it to these times, but also to not lose your personality. In fact, this is what makes a person perish, even if some actions still make an impression that he's alive. What else do I have besides my personality? Nothing. If I lose it, there's no "me" anymore. Yes, the one in terrible situations may think that losing yourself is worth it, only to make it stop, but seriously, there'd be no one to feel the relief if the personality dies.
Crisis is the only thing that allows us to reach new levels that we weren't supposed to reach. Humans are born limited. But it is possible (and silently encouraged by nature) to shift the limits so many times that they finally vanish. Does anyone have enough imagination to visualize the environment that has no limits? Whenever I try, I feel so incomplete! I instantly start seeing all the qualities that I lack so hard, and the negative traits I haven't noticed in myself that actually were mine for all that time. I start filling... so shitty! Yet I want to be there! Its not an imaginary place, it's something one gets a taste of each time a crisis ends. And each time after telling to myself it's not possible to keep going, I instead tell to myself that there's an infinite amount of qualities to work so hard on, that I imperceptibly find more and more energy in myself for that. My mind becomes more clear, and events that were killing my soul start looking just stupid!
PS: I also disagree with the advice that was quoted here that is directed to suicidal people. My advice is this instead: "Look at wild nature carefully and FUCKING SURVIVE!"
PPS: This is why surviving matters, and crisis and hard conditions are required to be healthy:
Link to video
Warning: When making decisions, I try to collect as much data as possible before actually deciding. I try to abstract away and see the principles behind real world events and people's opinions. I try to generalize them and turn into something clear and reusable. I hate depending on unpredictable and having to make lottery guesses. Any problem can be solved by systems thinking and acting.
I have no real friends, I still live with my parents who don't understand me, I'm on my computer 24/7 and not really being productive. Trash is stacking up to my left and right. I skip work so much because I don't feel alright. I don't have any goals in life. Therapists don't help.
It takes a chronically lonely person to understand another, because nobody else does. Chronic loneliness is like being trapped inside a hole, unable to climb out by yourself no matter how much you try. Sometimes some friend might come to the edge of the hole to listen to you and be understanding and comforting... but do nothing to help you out. And the longer you are in the trap, the harder it becomes to climb out. The older you become, the less likely people are going to approach you on their own (probably because they assume that you already have your own social circle of friends and family).
I wish I had some solution to the problem, but I don't. If I had, I would have used it already.
GoddessMaria15 wrote:
Shifting the focus from that to yourselves seems very rude and disrespectful to Rachel. If you want to discuss or vent about your problems, then please make another thread and do so there.
Do you understand how that might sound to someone who may be depressed and might even have suicidal thoughts, and was inspired by this event to reach out for help and understanding? You are effectively saying "this is not about you, go somewhere else".
